Fall TV is here! It’s here! What will suck! What will not suck! What will suck yet somehow manage not to get canceled? What will not suck and never make it past episode three? (Answer to that last one: anything I like.)
Here’s what’s coming up this week:
Monday the 16th
Bones – FOX – 8pm — Oh, Bones. This show is fine — it’s totally fine. I enjoy it when I tune in. But I confess at this point, I’m kind of out of enthusiasm (well, not at this point — it was at a previous point. I’m merely reporting the point now. The point has now been reported). I have the same problem with Brennan that I have with Ziva on NCIS, which is their willfully persistent ignorance of American idioms and/or pop culture. How many years do you have to be hanging out with a Booth or a DiNozzo before you start to catch on? Honestly. Just catch on already. Or not, in the case of Ziva, who is being replaced on NCIS this season. More on that later!
Dancing with the Stars – ABC – 8pm – Okay, I NEVER watch this show. Why watch a pack of rookies and B-list actors stumble their way through a bunch of ballroom when you could be watching the incredible, AMAZING kids on FOX’s So You Think You Can Dance? That said, BILL NYE is on this season. BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY! That might be worth tuning in for, at least for the first episode. I cannot imagine that skinny, goofy nerd will make it past the opening round. Unless . . . can you use knowledge of physics to your advantage when you’re dancing? It seems like you ought to be able to. In that case, this could be very interesting. Bring your pencils and calculators and a sheet or two of graph paper, fans. We’ll get it figured out for you, Bill. Just hang in there and try not to look at your feet!
Sleepy Hollow – FOX – 9pm — Okay, so. This is the only new show I’m super excited to see this year. Why? Because there is almost NO WAY this show is not going to be terrible. At first, I was excited because I thought it was going to be set in the original Irving story era, which would be really different and cool. Then I was annoyed and disappointed to discover that, instead, Ichabod Crane gets frozen for 250 years, thaws out, and is all, “OMG, I don’t know anything about technology or modern idioms, but now I must solve crimes!” THEN I realized: it sort of sounds like the bastard child of a perverted three-way between Life on Mars, Supernatural, and Encino Man. Whiiiiich brings me right back to: “there is almost NO WAY this show is not going to be terrible.” In other words, I CANNOT WAIT!
Tuesday the 17th
Dads – Fox – 8pm — Seth Green, Giovanni Ribisi, Martin Mull, and Peter Riegert are all in a TV show together? I don’t even know what to do with this information, it has so blown my mind. If this sit-com is good, it could be really, really good. The problem is, sit-coms are almost never really, really good, and this show has already been dinged in the press more than once for being asshatty about, like, any type of person who isn’t a white male American. I feel like I at least have to watch the pilot — it’s Peter Riegert, people (THE PICKLE MAN!) — but I will be braced for the worst. In fact, I’m going to start bracing now just to make sure by tomorrow I’m all shored up.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Fox – 8:30pm — Adam Samberg, Dean Winters, and Andre Braugher are in a TV show together? WHAT IS HAPPENING? This sit-com, set in a police precinct, has been getting pretty good press so far. Cocky detective! New boss! What could possibly go wrong? Man. I guess this means I’m trying TWO new sit-coms this season. I’m exhausted from not laughing already.
New Girl – Fox – 9pm — I only just started watching season one of this sit-com (another one!) about a month ago on Netflix, after over a year of my sister telling me I really ought to give it a try. The problem was Deschanel, who is in the top five of my list of “Most Annoying Actresses of All Time.” AND YET. I love this show! She’s fine — she’s a little too cute, but she’s fine — but Jake Johnson, hubba hubba. Watch for impending Boyfriend write-up, because there’s just no way to stop that from happening.
The Mindy Project – Fox – 9:30pm — Look, I’m sure it’s great. But I can’t do another one. I’m all sit-commed out. Someday: DVD. That’s what’s great about the modern era, Ichabod.
Wednesday the 18th
Survivor – CBS – 8pm — Good God, this is still on? WHEN WILL IT END? It’s like the ER of reality television!
Friday the 20th
Last Man Standing – ABC – 8pm — Apparently this show has been on since 2011 and I’ve never heard of it. Only, of course I’ve heard of it — I probably blogged about in both 2011 and 2012. And that’s really all I need to say about this one, I think.
The Neighbors – ABC – 8pm — We’re supposed to be surprised that gated communities in New Jersey are full of aliens trying to pass as actual human beings? Ha! What a farce! Who else would live there? Use your brains, people.
Okay, that’s it for Intro Week of Fall TV! Next week is the onslaught, so I may break the update into more manageable chunks for better clip-and-save. Now tell me: What shows are you looking forward to seeing again or anew? Is anyone but me going to watch Sleepy Hollow?