You know that YouTube video that features the five year-old girl describing the movie Star Wars? This one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBM854BTGL0 (“The shiny guy ALWAYS worries. . .”). Brace yourselves, because that’s probably how I’m going to sound trying to explain the plot of this movie.
I’ve never read Dune (Frank Herbert, 1965) and, to be honest, until recently, I’d had very little interest in seeing the movie. BUT, the recent discussions about it in the comments here and here got me thinking maybe I was missing out on something, if not brilliant, at least infinitely quotable. Having never read the book, though, clearly put me at a distinct disadvantage. And the filmmakers seemed to know it would, too, as this movie at times seemed to feature more voice-over exposition than actual action. Try as they might, though, I still got to the end credits somewhat befuddled.
The good news is, I was so thoroughly charmed by the copious, gooey amounts of cheese that it hardly mattered I had no idea what was going on. Oh my god, this movie is the ultimate 80’s film, isn’t it? Starring everyone from Jurgen Prochnow (the grizzled captain from Das Boot) to Sting, and featuring music by Toto? TOTO?! You can’t not love it. You just can’t. I defy you. And the costumes! The special effects! The worms! That blobby guy in the portable jar! When I wasn’t tipping my head muttering, “Huh?” I was laughing my sweet can off. If ever there were a movie the term “awesome” was born to describe, this would be that movie.
I will now attempt to explain the plot, more for your amusement than anything else.
Okay, so, like, there are these four planets that are currently embroiled in a big conspiracy thing: the home of the emperor of the galaxy, the home of the House of Atreides (the good guys), the home of the House of Harkonnen (the bad guys — you can tell because they have lots of acne), and finally, the planet Arrakis, also known as “Dune” (or, by Virginia Madsen, as “Dewwwwn”). Dune is the planet that houses the world’s most valued substance, this stuff called the “spice melange.” Not only does the spice seem to have some kind of psychotropic effect (we’re told in one voice-over that it “expands consciousness”), but it’s also the stuff required to “fold space,” the fastest way to travel through the universe. Instead of flying from one point to the next, the spice lets you bend space in half so the two points are suddenly right on top of each other. This is a cool theory, and one nicely demonstrated by ex-Boyfriend Sam Neill using a sheet of paper in the movie Event Horizon, should you be interested. (“F*ck layman’s terms, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?”)
Apparently, the Emperor has decided that the key to his staying in charge is to take out the House of Atreides, which he’s decided has way too many charismatic potential leaders (the Duke of Atreides, for one, and his son Paul (MacLachlin) in particular). His plan is to put Atreides in charge of the spice, to lure them to Arrakis, and then to have the Harkonnen attack when they least suspect it. The Harkonnen will then take control of the spice, and the Emperor will get to stay in charge.
BUT, what he has failed to take into consideration is the fact that the people of Arrakis (the Fremen) have this centuries old myth about a “savior” who will come to their planet one day and rescue them from their lifetime of servitude. Or whatever. And anybody who has ever seen any movie EVER knows that if there’s a savior myth involved, somebody’s plan is going to go all foo-fah. Paul is the savior, naturally (because he’s the cutest), and frankly, if you’ve seen Avatar, you know how this will play out. He’ll team up with the locals, learn how to ride their giant animals (in this case, enormous deadly sand worms that come up to eat you if you make any vibrations — like the ones in Tremors), become their hero, and save the day.
Throw in some kissing, some funky blue eyes, a lot of crazy fight scenes, and a whole bunch of cheesy sci-fi speak (Kwisatz Haderach! Thufir Hawat! Muad’Dib! Sardaukar! The “weirding way”!), and what you have is a hell of a movie.
The problem with the story is that it’s about a thousand times more complicated than this. And at least 999 times more complicated than it needed to be. I would imagine, however, that fans of the novel probably reacted to this film with horror, ballistically going off on all the myraid subplots that got left out (for example, I would guess the romance element of this story — Paul falling in love with one of the Fremen — got more play in the book than it did in the film, and I bet his little sister, who seemed to be important but had little to do here, did as well). That said, had I been in charge, I would’ve cut the story down even more than it likely already was, because even with the incessant voice-overs, I don’t think I quite got everything.
Nevertheless, any film where characters say things like, “Remember the tooth! The tooth! The toooooth!” is going to be one I really enjoy.
Now, nerds. Should I read the book? Let me rephrase. MUST I read the book? Hie thee to the comments to make thine case.
[Netflix it | Buy it]
Genre: Science Fiction
Cast: EVERYBODY ALIVE IN 1984! Especially: Kyle MacLachlan, Max von Sydow, Jose Ferrer, Jurgen Prochnow, Sting, Patrick Stewart, Linda Hunt, Brad Dourif, Sean Young, Virginia Madsen, Dean Stockwell, and director David Lynch himself!