So whatcha whatcha whatcha want (whatcha want)? Well, hey, how about anything but this year’s Tuesday night line-up (ba-dum ching!)?
I mean, NCIS — fine. FINE. I’m still watching it, I still enjoy it for the most part, but truly, it could retire. It’s really time for it to retire, guys. NCIS: LA, on the other hand, should get fired, and should’ve been fired its first month — this is a crazy, crazy, mixed-up kinda world where that insufferable dreck survives and Pushing Daisies doesn’t.
As for New Girl, I keep hearing it’s great, and then I keep seeing that Zooey Deschanel iPhone ad and having to fight the urge to punch her in the face (which is only going to end up hurting me, because I still have an old CRT TV — you know, the ones with the glass screens?). So, no. Mindy Project, no. Private Practice, GOOD GOD NO. Ben and Kate, only if it’s renamed Ben and Kate Plus 8, Ben is an android, and the 8 are from the planet Melmac (wow, actually, I may be onto something there. . .). And Vegas — well, now, Vegas. I’ll get to that one in a second.
HERE’S WHAT’S UP TONIGHT:
NCIS — 8pm (CBS) — Look, I’m still in love with Michael Weatherly, and with McGee even more. And Abby — Abby’s great. And please, Mark Harmon? Mark Harmon can do no wrong, even when he’s playing Ted Bundy. But Ducky — Ducky was my favorite character, and Ducky’s gone now, right? So, what’s the point? I think there is no point. I CANNOT GO ON. I MUST GO ON. I CANNOT GO ON. I WILL GO ON. Crap. Can’t you just get canceled and put me out of my misery? Why you gotta hang in there so tight?
New Girl — 8pm (FOX) — “Hey, Siri, can you order me up some TOMATO SOUP because I’m SO DUMB I do not know how to use a can opener.” *punch* *blood* *911 call* *17 stitches*
Ben and Kate — 8:30pm (FOX) — Sit-com starring an adorable kid and a guy with really weird teeth. PASS! (FAIL!)
NCIS: LA — 9pm (CBS) — Every time I see an ad for this show, I cry a little bit for the man LL Lame J used to be. Why couldn’t this show be good? Chris O’Donnell! LINDA HUNT, for pity’s sake! But the Navy doesn’t have a super secret undercover crack detective team in Los Angeles loaded to the hilt with money for fast cars, gadgets, and costume changes, and I can’t just pocket that information and pretend it’s fine you’re being ridiculous! Stop being ridiculous! It’s just so ridiculous!
The Mindy Project — 9:30pm (FOX) — Because, why now? I mean, it’s awesome, sure, that an Indian female comic is headlining her own show in the US. But I kind of can’t stand that Indian female comic, so. . . Congratulations, please go away. Am I terrible? I’m terrible. I’m sorry.
Private Practice — 9pm (ABC) — I was honestly surprised to see this was still in the line-up this fall. What is this doing still in the line-up this fall? Is it just me or do Tuesday nights really blow this season? This show is absolutely insufferable. I made it through a record six episodes of season one before I couldn’t stand the churning sensation in my stomach every time a character spoke a line of vapid dialogue. WHAT IS THIS SHOW STILL DOING HERE? I blame you guys for this. No, not YOU guys. YOU OTHER GUYS. You know, the ones who keep watching this thing! YOU! Cut that out, already!
Vegas — 10pm (CBS) — Upside: the cast. Hunky Ex-Boyfriends Dennis Quaid and Michael Chiklis, together AND playing mortal enemies! Ye-he-HES! Downside: they’re playing mortal enemies in 1960s Vegas, and honestly, the likelihood of this primetime network TV show being even remotely as entertaining or interesting as Casino or GoodFellas is so teeny tiny it cannot be seen with the naked eye. Upside: Chiklis is playing a bad-ass again, which is great because after seeing him hitting people in the head with phone books for several years on The Shield, he’ll simply never square as The Commish for me ever again (although, having seen a few trailers and print ads for this, I’m not sold on his ability to pull of the 1960s mobster suit look, either). Downside: Quaid is playing a cowboy-turned-reluctant sheriff, a character I feel I’ve seen 97,000 times before (speaking of cowboy sheriffs, did you guys watch Longmire this summer, co-starring Ex-Boy/Girlfriend of the Week Katee Sackhoff? I really enjoyed that one). Oh, argh. This is one of those shows I don’t really want to watch, but I feel like I should probably watch. So, I’ll watch. Let’s see what happens.