MOVIE: The Apparition (2012)

apparitionCute couple Kelly from the Twilight Movies and Ben of the Silly Bangs are moving into their first house together, a perfect and perfectly enormous two-story home in a brand-new housing development in the middle of nowhere in the desert.

At first, things are going great.  Young love!  Trips to Costco!  But then weird stuff starts to happen — and I don’t just mean the fact Rick Gomez from Band of Brothers is in this as their slightly-creepy-apparently-as-a-red-herring neighbor, though that was plenty weird, to be sure — and soon Kelly and Ben realize they are being haunted by . . . the world’s most boringest ghost!

You read that right.

Make World’s Most Boringest Ghost angry?  He’ll tie your laundry into knots!  Upset World’s Most Boringest Ghost?  He’ll chuck a dirt clod onto your kitchen ceiling!  Dare to challenge World’s Most Boringest Ghost?  He’ll pull the sheets super tight on your bed!  Try to take out World’s Most Boringest Ghost?  HE WILL KILL YOUR CACTUS!

Man, that cactus went down like a clown, Charlie Brown!

Just when you start wondering if this is all because they moved the headstones and not the graves (new housing developments can be fun that way), it instead turns out Ben was involved with some dumb parapsychology experiment years back in which a bunch of even dumber college kids messed around with stuff way over their heads and ended up opening a door to the Hellmouth, or whatever.

There’s some nonsense about a bunch of special equipment that generated the “brain power” of hundreds, or even thousands!, of minds, which is how they turned a regular ol’ séance into a full-on boring ghost problem (it’s a shame for all our sakes this equipment was fictitious; if we could’ve gotten even one mind into writer/director Todd Lincoln, it might’ve made a real difference here).

Worse!  The boring spirit that got through the door they opened is SUPER MAD these meddling kids released him from the torments of Hell — well, who wouldn’t be? — and now he plans to bore to death (feels like!) all those responsible for his plight.  Plus that one dude’s girlfriend who had nothing whatsoever to do with any of it.  Not a Twilight fan, obviously.

In the movie’s final moments (SPOILER ALERT! BUT KEEP READING ANYWAY BECAUSE WHO CARES?), Kelly decides to give up and let the ghost win, and suddenly, this movie feels a lot like Open Water without the benefit of sharks.

Now she just has to pick a poignant place to spend her final moments before she too is bored to death.  She knows just where to go, busting into her local Costco and lying down in one of the tents in the camping department.

Why?  Because it’s where Ben bought her that cactus, you guys.  Back when times were good, when she was happy, when cacti were thriving.

Full circle, stop.

I watched the whole thing!  I am awesome!

[Netflix it | Rent it on Amazon]

Genre:  Crap, Horror
Cast: Ashley Greene, Sebastian Stan, Tom Felton, Julianna Guill, Luke Pasqualino, Rick Gomez

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6 Responses to “MOVIE: The Apparition (2012)”

  1. Alisa Says:

    Hello, you forgot to mention that Draco Malfoy is in it to. I’m still not going to watch it, but you should have at least told us. 🙂

  2. RogerBW Says:

    You watched the whole thing. I notice you don’t claim you stayed awake.

    If I ever make a horror movie, here’s how it’s going to start. A couple moves into a huge house. Weird things start to happen. They sell up and move away, and live happily ever after. Then pull back to reveal the main cast of the film watching this on a screen, saying “man, that’s what I‘m going to do if I’m ever in that situation”. (Then there’s an actual reason why they can’t.)

  3. Anonymous Says:

    (Liz) Wow, you really have a high tolerance level for dumb, silly movies (which is lucky for us, because we can then avoid them, ourselves). But you seem to have no patience with dumb, silly TV shows. Lee and I got through about half of “Dads” before we were just too disgusted, and quit. It was really horrible, wasn’t it? Oh, Giovanni Ribisi, oh, Martin Mull – what a painful waste! Also, oh, Seth Greene!

    Well, I don’t think I’ll be seeing “The Apparition.”

    • megwood Says:

      I can explain that! A dumb, silly movie is generally over in 90 minutes or so. A dumb, silly TV show may stretch on for YEARS. It requires more stamina!

  4. bebe Says:

    Apparition was the worst movie was like an insult to other horror movie.that was really terrible

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