MOVIE: Sorority Row (2009)

Here comes another 80’s horror movie remake, which I was fully intending to skip, loving, as I do, the original (The House on Sorority Row, 1983).  But then somehow it ended up in my Netflix queue anyway.  SOMEHOW, I say.

Shut up.

SURPRISE!  Guess what!  This movie is absolutely unbearably awful!  You know how in slasher movies, you typically either  root for the prey to win, or, if the prey is annoying, you root for the predator?  In this one, I just wanted everybody gone as quickly and painfully as possible.  I cheered every time the killer took one of the sorority dingbats out.  And in the end, when the killer’s identity was finally revealed (oh for god’s. . . that was the best you could do, writers?), I couldn’t wait for (his/her) final demise either.

Every character in this movie is either insufferably stupid or absolutely boring as all get out.  The “prank” that kicks the movie off (by going horribly awry) is ridiculous, offensive at its core, and wholly unbelievable to boot  (unlike the prank in the original, which made a whole lot more sense and was much more believably accidental, if you ask me).  And the rationale of the killer, revealed in the end, was just plain dopey.

God.  How do these things get MADE?  It makes me want to punch something, knowing how many of my friends are scriptwriters and how much smarter than this every single one of them is.  And no, of course I wasn’t surprised this turned out to be crap.  But even in a crap movie, I can usually find one thing — ONE THING — that is the tiniest bit of interest.  One character, one shot, one death scene, one something.  Even a crappy movie’s very crappiness can be kind of intriguing at times.  But this one leaves no cliché unturned.  No yawn unyawned.  No trite tripe untriped.  I.  Ugh.  What a waste of time, money, effort, and space.  Pummel pummel KAPOW.

Go rent the original instead.  Believe me, its worth every red cent if you like a good slasher flick.  This one, on the other hand, ain’t worth a dime.

p.s. Really, Carrie Fisher?  Really?   Not even for irony’s sake.   No, ma’am.

[Netflix it | Buy it]

Genre:  Horror, Crap
Cast:  Jamie Chung, Rumer Willis, Audrina Partridge, Carrie Fisher, Matt Lanter

Tags: ,

6 Responses to “MOVIE: Sorority Row (2009)”

  1. Trip Says:

    Meg – if you were in charge of your very own horror movie production – how would you write it up and film it?

    Buckets of splattery gore, or more Hitchcock with implied violence off-camera? Urban setting? Final girl stuff, team of hardy fish-out-of-water survivors against a lone & powerful threat? Two characters, hunter and hunted?

  2. megwood Says:

    Did you ever see High Tension, Trip? You know that scene where the Final Girl kicks some ASS? More of that. Less running and screaming, more smart women who take five to think about all the horror movies they’ve seen and then grab a shovel and start SWINGIN’.

  3. Trip Says:

    If we start teaching young, helpless, nubile women to take up shovels and, God forbid, shotguns in defense against their supernatural/undead/otherworldly tormentors…well…you sort of have to ask yourself if that’s a world you’d really want to live in.

    On the other hand, summer camp attendance numbers would skyrocket.
    I’m in.

  4. megwood Says:

    I see this going full circle and fast.

  5. Trip Says:

    High Tension – that’s that French one that came out a few years ago, right? Supposed to be a freakfest with two college girls getting trapped in a farmhouse or something, right?

    I remember seeing the ads, but never got around to seeing it and I’ve forgotten about it – until now. That poster art really makes me want to go to there. Now.

  6. megwood Says:

    Yeah, yeah, I don’t remember that much about it, to be honest, except for one glorious scene that involved the chick with the short hair turning the tables on the bad guy in the woods. I cheered.

    I should rent it again myself. Can’t remember how it ends, and may have just made it sound like it ends better than it does.

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