Seven Signs of the Apocalypse

eccelston1 – What Were You Thinking?: Christopher Eccleston starring in GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.  One season as Doctor Who, a couple of episodes on Heroes, and suddenly, he’s relegated to crap like this?  No, Christopher.  NO, I TELL YOU.  THIS CANNOT STAND.

2 – Necessary?: Miley Cyrus wrote a memoir?   Isn’t she, like, 14  years old or something?

3 – Ominous: Did you know there’s a television show called Life After People?  I am unnerved by this, not in the least because it seems somewhat moot to work hard at figuring out what will happen to Las Vegas after all the human beings are gone from the planet.  Why would we care?  Won’t we not be here anyway?  I’m confused.  I hate being confused.  Can’t you just go back to showing Band of Brothers reruns in perpetuity instead, History Channel?  Currahee!

macgruber4 – Unspeakable!: After years of taunting us with occasional news reports that MacGyver might be revived in movie format, we’re instead officially brought. . . MacGruber in movie format.  I hate you, Saturday Night Live

5 – BLAAAAARRRRGH:  Sam Raimi to remake The Evil Dead (and ruin it, I’m assuming, because he’ll actually have a budget this time — money alone will suck half the awesome right out of the whole thing).  Don’t make me hate you, Sam.  I don’t want to, but I WILL.

sawvi6 – IT WILL NEVER STOP: Saw VI scheduled for release in October 2009.   Talks in progress for Hostel 3 sans Eli Roth, while I’m at it.

7 – And Neither Will This Butthead, Apparently: Joe Jackson hoping to take Michael’s three kids on “Jackson Three” tour?   Bravo, sir.   (Please note that I recognize this may just be a rumor — the source here is not that trustworthy.  However, seems his style, I will confess.)

Those were in no particular order, and I’m sure I missed some.  If you’ve got any horrifying entertainment news to report on, hitten zee comments.

4 Responses to “Seven Signs of the Apocalypse”

  1. Trip Says:

    Come on now.

    You and I both know, on the strength of the trailers ALONE, that G.I. Joe will rock the Oscars in 2010, as THE surprise hit of the decade.

    Look at the CGI craftsmanship on the green acid eating away at the Eiffel Tower. Marvel ye all Marlon Wayan’s muggings as he discovers the wonders of personal “accelerator suits”. You’ll be agog at the sensual bad-girl mystique of Siena Miller’s Baroness. Toys and their shameless marketing campaigns have never been hotter.

    Currahee indeed.

    Also, there is simply no such thing as an Evil Dead remake without the Chin. End of story. It’s like a Tron remake without Boxleitner.

    Ryan Reynolds IS Green Lantern:

    Some fans wanted Nathan Fillion, and I could hardly disagree with that idea – he’d rock Hal Jordan with the jaw and (ahem) “edible nose”. But srsly? Justin Timberlake was under serious consideration? Buh???

    Lastly, the only thing saving a movie based on a 5-minute SNL skit is Kristen Wiig wearing…bad wigs.

  2. megwood Says:

    Seriously — why is Sam Raimi doing this? It makes no sense! Maybe it will turn out to be a hoax. If I wish for it REALLY HARD.

  3. Lorraine Says:

    Such a shame about Eccleston. It’s ok to do dreck like GI Joe (hey Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in it too) but balance it with something that shows your acting chops. I may be one of the few that preferred his Doctor Who to Tennant’s.

    But on the bright side, doesn’t this sound awesome. It had me at “super intelligent prehistoric birds”.
    “The Flock could actually be this generation’s Jurassic Park, though. It’s all about a group of super intelligent prehistoric birds who are roaming a last scrap of wilderness in the Florida Everglades. Naturally, once discovered, everyone wants to exploit them or their land, and its up to a young Fish and Wildlife officer and his girlfriend to save them. Or be mauled to death by the cunning, vicious birds.”

  4. Liz Says:

    I’M STILL MAD ABOUT THE FAUX-TRAILER ON YOU-TUBE! Some bozo fan made a fake trailer for “Green Lantern,” with Nathan Fillion as the lead, and it fooled both my husband and me (and the person who sent the link to my husband)! I sent the link to “Our Meg,” and then had to write a disclaimer, when I realized that I had been “had!” Ryan Reynolds is, indeed, going to play the part! Meg said not to be mad, that it was a labor of love, but I still regard it as fraud!

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