MOVIE: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)

It’s rare that really, really bad monster movies make their way into the mainstream press, so when I started to see stuff about this flick in the newspaper and on some notable entertainment blogs here and there, I got kind of excited about it.  Heck, it even showed up as the topic of a Sally Forth comic strip a couple of weeks ago (see graphic, stage left!).  Reviewers seemed amused and entertained, which is great, but it was enough for me that they were even TALKING about it.  I mean, nobody “real” ever said word-one about Shark Attack 3: The Megalodon, after all, and we all know how BRILLIANT that one ended up being.  If the mainstream media is all abuzz about this one, surely it’s going to be even better?

Do I never learn, or what?  Mainstream media:  you’re fired.

This movie should’ve been a total blast to watch.  After all, it has everything a fan of good-bad movies could ever ask for:  a washed-up 80’s pop singer as the star (Debbie Gibson!), a recognizable bad-movie actor as the co-star (Lorenzo Lamas!), an utterly ridiculous storyline, and a final duke-out between two insanely enormous sea creatures, one of which is a SHARK.

Unfortunately, as it turns out, the filmmakers spent so much money casting their two “famous actors” (ha ha!), they apparently had no budget leftover for the sea creatures.  And since this movie was NOT titled, 80’s Pop Star vs. Mr. Hair, I, for one, think their budgetary priorities were a bit out of order.

The plot (ha ha, again!) unfolds thusly:  Gibson plays Dr. Emma MacNeil, a scientist who is studying the effects of Mozart on whale pods (first sign we might be in trouble:  I’m pretty sure her “Mozart” was actually Bach).  Anyway, she’s up in the Arctic jamming on her classical tunes when she suddenly sees something strange in the water ahead.  Unfortunately, before she has a chance to take a closer look, stuff starts exploding and a helicopter crashes for some reason and no, I have no idea why or what was happening during this scene, but the gist of it was she had to skedaddle, and how.

After she gets back to dry land, strange events begin to surface in the news.  First, reports that a giant shark leapt into the sky and ate an airplane (!!).  Then reports that some kind of enormous sea creature with eight legs chomped its way through an oil rig.  Where normal people might arch an eyebrow and wonder who’s been handing out the hallucinogens at the New York Times, Dr. Debbie immediately thinks, “MEGA SHARK AND GIANT OCTOPUS!!”  Because she is very, very smart, you see.

Where the story goes from there, I confess I can’t really say for sure — it didn’t make a whole lot of sense, I’m afraid.  Dr. Debbie teams up with a few other scientists and does  some complicated science stuff that appeared primarily to involve pouring one Erlenmeyer flask filled with water and food coloring into other another Erlenmeyer flask filled with water and food coloring, while wearing lab goggles and looking ponderous.  It was eventually determined that the mega shark and giant octopus A) had been frozen in the Arctic ice mid-battle and were released, still peeved!, when global warming caused the ice to melt; and B) were on their way to wiping out the planet.

No, don’t ask.  I have no answers for you.  Nor can I tell you why on earth (or anywhere else, for that matter) any sea creature would want to eat an airplane when it would be so much easier just to eat, like, whales and stuff.  No metal exoskeletons, which I can only assume are kind of a beeyotch to digest, mega-intestinal-tract or no.

Anyway, long, long, WAY-too-long story short, the crack team of scientists decide the only way to take out the murderous defrosted beasts is to lure them to the same body of water, where they’ll then take one look at each other and promptly resume their battle to the death (or at least TO THE PAIN — hi, fellow Princess Bride fans!).

As we all know, sharks and octopi hold grudges — man, do they ever! — so, clearly, the plan seems foolproof.  Which, of course, it is not.  However, eventually, everything comes together and the shark and octopus swim, swim, swim their way into the same region of the sea as we all scoot down to the edges of our seats eagerly awaiting what is sure to be the scene that finally makes the rest of this wretched debacle worth talking about.  The camera pans over to the shark.  Then it pans over to the octopus.  Their eyes meet.  Their teeth bare.  Their tentacles push up their sleeves and wind up for a brawl.  The fight at long last begins!  And it is. . .

TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY LAME!

You know why?  Because after spending all their money on actors (and food coloring), there apparently wasn’t enough dough left in the pot for CGI effects or any other super-cool monstery magic.   So, what we end up with is not  monstrous-looking monsters, so much as, like. . . bath toy-looking monsters.  Seriously.  I’ve seen more exciting duels between rubber duckies, and these two yahoos didn’t even look like they’d squeak when you squeezed them.

Crikey, we watched this thing all the way to the end?  I’m speechless.  And while I’m at it, Sally Forth, THANKS FOR NOTHING.

[Netflix me | Buy me]

Genre:  Monsters, Crap
Cast:  Deborah “Don’t Call Me ‘Debbie’ Cuz I’s All Growed Up Now” Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas

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10 Responses to “MOVIE: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)”

  1. Melinda Says:

    …. are you sure you’re not making this up? Because that title? It’s golden. Golden!!

  2. megwood Says:

    I know, see? It could’ve been SO GREAT if it had been NOT CRAP!

  3. Melinda Says:

    I seriously had a flashback to my childhood and “Godzilla vs Mothra.” And might I just add that I miss MST3K at moments like this?

  4. Haidee Says:

    hey, have you seen Raptor? It has a washed up actor (Eric Roberts) and a spot-the-zip monster, that really looks nothing like a Raptor – except this movie is FUN!

    yes, bring back MST3K.

  5. Alisaj29 Says:

    LOL Dr. Debbie

    Who knew Debbie Gibson was so smart, I mean Only in my dreams was brilliant, but I had no idea. 😉

  6. Trip Says:

    Why?

  7. megwood Says:

    The question for the ages, Trip.

  8. Dixie-Ann Belle Says:

    Aw sorry this was such a “bad movie” disappointment.

    I came up with two ways they could improve the movie: 1) When the shark makes that jump to eat the plane. Wouldn’t it have been great if there were snakes on it? 2) It would have been just perfect if Godzilla had come up and eaten them both. Yum! Sush!

  9. megwood Says:

    Oh my god, Dixie-Ann, number 1 just made me laugh so hard I had to take a moment. If only they’d run the script by you first!!

    “I’m tired of these mother-f’in snakes on this mother-f’in pla. . . What the. . .?! Is that a SHARK?!”

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