MOVIE: Twilight (2008)

Eight minutes, thirty-four seconds.


Genre:  Crap
Cast:  Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and a very, very bad script


23 Responses to “MOVIE: Twilight (2008)”

  1. Trip Says:

    I take it that’s the elapsed time between your thumb hitting “Play” and “Eject”?

    That’s a full three minutes longer than my experience with Moulin Rouge. You’re tough like Bronson.

  2. megwood Says:

    I appreciate the acknowledgment of my fortitude.

    The things I subject myself to for this gig. . .

  3. melindam Says:

    You didn’t even make it to the TRULY awful parts! “You’re like a drug to me,” with strange emphasis and pauses while hanging out of a tree. Or the laying in the meadow bit. Or perhaps Kristen Stewart’s acting that gets worse with every viewing. Ummm, not that I’ve seen it more than once. Of course not! Honestly, the things people think…

  4. megwood Says:

    What’s the deal with the swooning over Robert Pattinson. Can someone explain that to me? I mean, I thought I knew from swooning, but I’m completely boggled by that guy’s appeal. He doesn’t even do “dark and twisty” well. I’ll put with a lot of lacking facial symmetry for a little effective “dark and twisty.”

  5. Rochelle Says:

    I heart vampires. Big fat heart. I have been a vampire three times for Halloween in the last five years. (1. vampire. 2. vampire cowgirl. 3. vampire cheerleader.) If you say the word vampire, I am there. Except when it comes to movies. I hate vampire movies. Cuz they always suck. Pun intended. I got my sister into Buffy and in return she got me into the Twilight books. (I heart horror; she hearts cheese. We’re a match made in somewhere that doesn’t know how to match.) The books kinda suck but I still loved them. Like I said, Vampire = I am there. I will read anything . And trust me, I have. But I had zero interest in seeing this movie. I was all, Robert who? Wasn’t he in a Harry Potter movie? I was totally picturing Heath Ledger when I read the book. I have no idea why, I am not particularly a Heath fan.

    • Haidee Says:

      Hey Rochelle, sorry to highjack, but if love the reading thing, have you tried the Anita Blake books By Laurell K Hamilton? Nummy. Email me and I can hook you up with other vampire loving book nerds 🙂

      Oh, and to get On Topic, thank the Evernameless that I’m not the only Twilight hater in the multiverse. Ick, Ick, Ick, I had to scrub my eyeballs out with vinegar after being forced to sit through the entire thing.

      • Rochelle Says:

        I’ve got all the Anita Blakes. I liked about the first ten until it became more about weird sexual politics. I still read ’em all though. I also love the Sookie Stackhouse series which is the basis for the True Blood series. I haven’t seen that yet. Not sure it could live up to my imagination of the books. P.S. I heart Bubba!

        I actually have about 3 bookshelves with nothing but vamps. I even buy “Paranormal Romance” just for the vamps. Regular romance makes me gag. Other faves include but are not limited to:

        Blood Ties series by Jennifer Armintrout
        Mercedes Thompson series by Patricia Briggs (Mercedes Thompson is some kind of shape shifter but she knows some vampires.)
        Dresden Files by Jim Butcher (Harry’s half-brother is a succubus!)
        Morganville Vampires series by Rachel Caine (“young adult” but has some awesome twists on the vamp lore)
        Cassandra Palmer series by Karen Chance (clairvoyant raised by vampires)
        Night Huntress series by Jeaniene Frost (In my imagination, her boyfriend Bones is totally Spike)
        Rachel Morgan series by Kim Harrison (Rachel is a witch but her roommate/business partner/potential love interest is a vampire as was her late boyfriend)
        Victoria Nelson series by Tanya Huff (basis for the Blood Ties series. I haven’t seen it. I am much too cheap to pay for cable. But the awesomest part is that Henry Fitzroy is the bastard son of Henry the VII and a romance novelist. ha!)
        Of course, Anne Rice except maybe the last two. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz.
        Vlad Tepes series by Fred Saberhagen (Dracula himself disputes Bram Stoker’s version of events)
        Anna Strong series by Jeanne C Stein (bounty hunter turned vampire)
        Black Dagger Brotherhood by J.R. Ward (so awesomely terrible it’s terribly awesome)

        I also love books that seem to be incompetent novelizations of B Movies. I have no idea why.

  6. Liz Says:

    Robert Pattinson WAS in a “Harry Potter” movie – “The Goblet of Fire.” He played “Cecil Diggory,” and his death was more disturbing to me than many other details.

    I read the first “Twilight” novel, because I had a voice student who loved it. The book was okay (but immature), and from what I’ve heard, the movie banks on that kind of ‘tween “coming of age” stuff, which SOMETIMES works, but mostly is annoying!

  7. Eva Says:

    I read 50 pages of the first book. That was about 47 more than I should have. I’ve never hated a protagonist more.

  8. megwood Says:

    Incidentally, I’m three eps into “True Blood” (HBO vampire series), and DAMN. Dear Robert Pattinson: THAT is how you do “dark and twisty,” kid.

  9. Trip Says:

    Speaking of dark and twisty, the trailer for Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey Jr. is out now. Perhaps my perspective on Holmes is skewed by a thousand Basil Rathbone BBC dramas, but was Holmes really a pipe-smoking kung-fu masta, and Watson was his buddy-cop partner?

    That said, I could easily work with Rachel McAdams slinked out in evil Victorian steampunk lingerie…that vision will keep me warm at night for a while…

  10. megwood Says:

    It’s just the first installment in Guy Ritchie’s series of updated classics. Coming up next, The Mill on the Floss starring Bullet Tooth Tony and Jack the All Seeing Eye.

    “What do you mean ‘look in the dog?'”

  11. Anonymous Says:

    You know – fish, chips, cup ‘o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary f*cking Poppins… LONDON!

  12. megwood Says:

    Oh god, I love that movie.

    “Who took the jam outta YOUR doughnut?”

  13. Marni Says:

    Made me laugh. Thanks! And duly noted.

  14. Trip Says:

    You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.

  15. megwood Says:

    Zee Germans?

  16. Trip Says:

    And the fact that you’ve got “replica” written down the side of your guns…

  17. Lorraine Says:

    I’m on episode 4 of “True Blood” and it is pure popcorn TV, in the best way. What does it have that was totally absent from “Twilight”? A sense of humor about itself!

    And I agree with Liz. I thought Robert Pattinson was very affecting in HP. But I’m not sure where his personality disappeared to for “Twilight”.

  18. Haidee Says:

    Hey Rochelle, no mention of JR Ward? or Christine Feehan or Sherrilyn Kenyon?

    I have all the ones you’ve listed, except the Anne Rice. Other than The Mummy, I hated all her books that I read.

  19. Rochelle Says:


    I think JR Ward was down there at the bottom of my ramble. I haven’t tried Feehan or Kenyon yet. Right now, I’m all over the Dark Ones series by Katie MacAlister.

  20. melindam Says:

    Ohhhh, Feehan!!! *laughs* They’re fun, but after a bit they get fairly predictable. Definitely light fare, with a serious dash of spice in there.

  21. Corey Says:

    you should really watch all of Twilight, not because its good… but because it’s so very, very bad. you really don’t understand how bad a movie can get until you’ve seen sparkly vampires playing baseball like flying squirrels.

    to take some of the edge off, i’d recommend watching it with the rifftrax commentary from the mst3k guys. it’s one of their best.

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