MOVIE: My Bloody Valentine (2009)

I fully intended to see this remake in the theater when it first came out, because I’ve never seen a 3-D movie before, and this one seemed like a pretty good place to start.  Reviews of it weren’t too bad, all things considered, and for a 3-D n00b and horror fan, it seemed like it might be fun to get the “comin’ right atcha!” experience by way of flying pick-axes and detached eyeballs and stuff.

Unfortunately, it turned out the only theater in my area playing it in 3-D was a theater I hate.  So, I just never got around to it.  Plus, I couldn’t find anybody who would go with me, and what could be sadder, really, than spending your first 3-D adventure alone?  Surrounded by FLYING EYEBALLS, no less.

In any case, when I saw this one was also available on my hotel’s pay-per-view when I was out of town a couple of weeks ago, I figured, why not?

For the most part, the storyline conforms quite a bit to the original (at least inasmuch as I remember the original, which, I will confess, is kind of inas-notsomuch).  It begins with a deadly cave-in at a mine on Valentine’s Day, eleven years before the “present.”  When rescuers finally get to the five trapped miners, they find only one is still alive — Harry Warden — and he obviously survived by killing his coworkers with a pick-axe, so as to preserve all the air for himself.  He’s in a coma, though, so he gets kind of quietly tucked away in a hospital and pretty much forgotten.

Meanwhile, investigators discover the cause of the cave-in had to do with unvented methane lines that exploded, and miner Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles, AKA Dean from SupeNatch) is promptly blamed for the whole thing.

A year later, Warden wakes up and goes on a killing spree while he makes his way back to the mine.  Coincidentally, at the same time, Tom and his girlfriend, and Tom’s best friend (played by Kerr Smith) and HIS girlfriend, are hanging out in the mine partying.  Because hey, where better to get drunk and act stupid than a mine where cave-ins can and have occurred, I ask you?

Anyway, Warden, or, at least, a guy dressed up like a scary looking miner with a big grudge, ends up attacking all four of them.  Three of them manage to escape, leaving Tom back in the mine along to battle on.  But just as Warden is about to bust a pick-axe in his ass, the cops burst in and shoot him.  Warden is killed.

OR SO WE THINK!

Ten years later, blah blah, killing spree starts again.  From here, you can predict how things will play out, for the most part.   Standard crazy-maniac horror stuff.

Now, I have forgotten how the original movie ended, so I can’t say for sure if the ending of this remake is the same or totally different from the original.  HOWEVER, what I CAN say about the ending of this remake is that I knew the identity of the Previously-Thought-Dead Miner before he actually even entered the scene.  And not because I’m smart, but because this movie makes almost no attempt whatsoever to disguise its twist.  That’s something that can totally make or break a movie for me, and it definitely broke this one.  It’s one thing to make me suspect you are going to end a certain way.  It’s quite another to make your twist blaringly obvious like this and then to insist nevertheless on setting it up in “Big Reveal”-style at the end.

I hate that.

In any case, while this movie isn’t god-awful, it’s not god-awesome, either.  I’m sure seeing it in 3-D would’ve distracted a bit from some of the script issues, and also, I confess, from some of the extremely disappointing acting from Mr. Ackles, who has been utterly fantastic on SupeNatch this season and seemed pretty drab here by comparison.  But ultimately, I think I would probably have had the same reaction to the movie overall regardless of the format.  That reaction being: meh.

MBV is definitely worth a rental for die-hard horror fans (and Jensen Ackles fans, too, of course — like I could stop you . . .).

But all the resta’ y’alls can safely give this one a pass.

(Incidentally, it looks like you can get a 3-D version of this movie on DVD, in addition to the 2-D version.  I didn’t realize you could have 3-D on DVD, so that’s interesting news for me.  Coolies.)

[Netflix me | Buy me]

Genre: Horror
Cast:  Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith, Jaime King, Tom Atkins

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23 Responses to “MOVIE: My Bloody Valentine (2009)”

  1. Liz Says:

    What the heck happened to that bizzarro comment that appeared to be in a foreign language? Did you even know who that was? And what did they want?

    On this movie: did you see it in 2-D, or in 3-D, but without the requisite glasses? Your review reminded me vaguely about the original, and I was wondering if I should bother renting it, but not worrying about the 3-D element. (BTW, were there actually any eyeballs flying around? That might make it worth seeing, even if Jensen Ackles’s acting is weak.))

  2. megwood Says:

    No idea what was up with the bizarro comment, but I’ve been steadily deleting comments written in Cyrillic like that for about three weeks now and am assuming it’s spam. That last one was a bit unusual in that it had emoticons in it that seemed appropriately spaced like they would be in a legitimate message. And yet, for them to be able to read this blog, they must either speak English or be using a translator, so you’d think they’d figure out how to do the reverse if they wanted to get a message to me.

    Note to readers: I speak only English and Spanish. And Pirate, arrrrr!

    I saw this one in 2-D. There weren’t actually any flying eyeballs. In 2-D, you could kind of tell when something probably would’ve been in 3-D, though, because something (like a pick axe) would sort of fly forward in the shot in a dramatic sort of way. I don’t really think 3-D would add all that much to the movie, but I do think it would be kind of fun to watch it that way if you can find it.

  3. Jessie Says:

    Hey, I took some Russian in college, and while I can’t translate those comments for you, they do seem to be on topic, and not spam. That’s weirder than it being spam, IMHO.

  4. megwood Says:

    As they say in England (where they also speak English, mind you), bloody hell! And also, crikey!

    Now I feel bad. But not “badly,” as that would imply that my mechanism for feeling is broken. (Yes, I DID just watch Kiss Kiss Bang Bang again, thanks for asking.)

    Dear Russian commenters: if you post again, I will not delete you without first attempting to have you translated. And I’m terribly sorry for the misunderstanding.

    Dang.

  5. Trip Says:

    Aye, these commenters be scurvy dogs needn’ a taste of th’ Captain’s lash I tells ya…a hearty sting from th’ cat will steer their course rightly….YARRRR

  6. Trip Says:

    Also, there appears to be a new indie zombie flick coming soon…strangely, without many actual zombies in it…

    http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/pontypool/

  7. Liz Says:

    Trip, I clicked on the link you provided, and that movie sounds neat. I’m particularly intrigued by the idea of developing “strange speech patterns.”

    Meg, sorry to say, I kind of thought that that comment was “for real” – just unintelligible. But I was considering a less-than-charitable response: specifically, “WTF?” I hope you figure out where they/it came from.

  8. megwood Says:

    Liz, the fact you just used the word “neat” to describe a zombie movie is why I like you so, so very much. 🙂

    Dang, I am a moron about those comments, though. But honestly — I don’t speak Russian! I refuse to apologize for being totally lame in that regard! How was I supposed to know. Crikey. Dear Russian people: Do forgive me, and please repost your comments.

    Bah. Totally blew it.

  9. Derevokas Says:

    Что-то такое слышал, но не так подробно, а откуда материал брали?

  10. megwood Says:

    Google says Derevokas is saying, “Something is heard but not so detailed, and from which material is taken?” Translating that translation, I can’t tell if this person means, “Hey, what’s all this talk about deleting Russian posts?” or “Hey, what gives with this review of MBV?”

    Yeesh. I remain, as always, at a loss.

  11. Liz Says:

    I say again: WTF? “Derevokas,” please explain yourself! (Being unintelligible is NOT neat!)

  12. Ferinannnd Says:

    Очень полезная вещь, спасибо!!

  13. megwood Says:

    Nope, you know what? These Russian things ARE spam. That one says, “Very useful thing, thanks!” which is the very hallmark of a comment spam. I’m sure the one above is spam as well. Back to deleting them, but I’ll let these two stand for posterity’s sake.

  14. Liz Says:

    My husband immediately knew all about Russian spam, and how they get on to blogs. So, Meg, you were right the first time, and I learned something new. Hope that you don’t get deluged with the stuff, or that you figure out a way to filter it out, or safeguard against it!

  15. Trip Says:

    The Russians need to take us in one piece, and that’s why they’re here. That’s why they won’t use nukes anymore; and we won’t either, not on our own soil.

  16. megwood Says:

    Wolverines!!

  17. Liz Says:

    I say again …… no I don’t! Never mind.

  18. Trip Says:

    Boys! Avenge me! Avveeeeennnnnngggge me!

  19. megwood Says:

    You think you’re tough for eating beans every day?

  20. Kerri Says:

    I saw the movie in the theater in 3D. There actually was a scene with an eyeball flying toward you! I will confess to being a Jensen/Supernatural fan, so I knew I would enjoy the movie, but I would say if you have the chance to see it in 3D – go for it!

  21. megwood Says:

    Sweet! Thanks for the 3-D two bits, Kerri. I will DEFINITELY try to see it in full flying eyeball now! 🙂

  22. Corey Says:

    MBV, in Real3D at the theater = AWESOME
    MBV in 2D = Meh.
    MBV in DVD 3D = Pretty cool.

    The 3D really plays a huge role in this film, so it’s not all that surprising you weren’t blown away by it in 2D. Unfortunately the 3D on the DVD is the green/red variety, but it’s still a fun watch if you’re the proper distance from your tv and the lights are off. The eyeball trick doesn’t work nearly as well in green/red, but you should get the idea.

    However, Tom Atkins rocks the house regardless of how many dimensions he’s in.

  23. TC Says:

    I actually was anticipating this one because I’m a rabid fan of the 81 original.
    All I’ll say is I hated it. They totally were clueless about what made the first one so watchable.

    You had a group of 20 and 30 somethings basically trapped in a dying town who now had a killer to worry about.

    The characters were more likable too. I couldn’t stand any of the characters in the remake

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