MOVIE: Friday the 13th (2009)

F13This is going to sound weird (particularly to people have made a surprise visit to mi casa and seen what passes for “housework” around here when we don’t know you’re coming) but when I’m out of town for a vacation or a conference, one of my favorite things to do on my first night in the hotel is to get out the ironing board, unpack all my clothes, and then pick out a pay-per-view movie and watch it while I iron everything I brought with me.  It’s the only time EVER that I iron ANYTHING, please note.  I never do this at home.  But I find it quite peaceful in hotels, and it always seems like a good way to kick off a conference or vacation or whatever.

Anyway, while I was in Halifax, Nova Scotia two weeks ago, the first movie I saw when I went through the PPV listing was this one, and I immediately selected it without looking any further.  Unfortunately, this was a terrible choice, not just because this movie sucks, but because in selecting it so quickly, I neglected to notice that Paul Gross’s latest film, Passchendaele, which is not available in the US, was also available.  That first night ended up being the only one where I had time for a full-length (i.e. 2+ hours) film, so I never got a chance to watch it.  And instead, oy, wasted my first night on THIS stinker.  Which I knew was going to be a stinker, but still didn’t believe it could actually be as bad as it ended up being.

Because, obviously, I am delusional.  And also, I never learn.

About twenty minutes into this not-really-a-remake-not-really-a-sequel, I thought to myself, “Wow, this movie is completely tedious.”  Then I wondered if it was completely tedious because I was totally exhausted (Seattle to Halifax = many hours in travel status).  Or because it was, indeed, actually completely tedious.  By the end, I had my answer.  This movie is completely tedious because of it’s complete tediousness.  Need I say more?

I need?  Okay, here goes:  the story opens with a group of kids out camping near Camp Crystal Lake, where they are promptly picked off one by one by Baghead Jason (nice to see Baghead Jason again, I will confess — I always preferred him to Hockey Mask Jason).  One of the victim’s brothers, played by Jared Padalecki (Sam on SupeNatch), goes to the town near CCL to look for his sister.  There, he is told all kinds of ominous things by the locals about how people who disappear around there aren’t so much missing as DEAD.  Mua ha ha ha!  But instead of taking that as a clue he ought to skedaddle, he hooks up with a young lovely, and the two spend the rest of the movie being chased around by Jason (who, alas, finds a hockey mask about 45 minutes in and, after that, ceased to be of any interest to me whatsoever).

Here’s the problem in a nutshell — this movie uses every horror movie cliche ever, and if it was intended to be satirical in that manner, it failed.  You immediately know who is going to buy the farm and who will be the Final Guy/Girl, because some of the characters get naked and smoke weed, and others refuse to have sex with their boyfriend and say no when offered a joint.  Really?  We’re still making slasher movies with morality lessons tucked away in between the machete scenes?

Even worse, way, way too much of this film is spent running and running and chasing and chasing and then running and running some more.  I know that slasher movies are about slashers chasing youngsters around, trying to do them in.  But it can’t ALL be chase scenes — there needs to be SOME character development.

I know at least six people who just burst out laughing at that last sentence, by the way.  Character development?  In a SLASHER movie?  But seriously — I’d argue the original F13 actually pulls that off, and so do a number of its sequels.  If I don’t care about you — if I don’t know anything about you other than that you’re a prude who eschews the inhaling of illicit substances — why am I going to root for you to get out alive?

Answer:  I’m not.  Not even if you are totally cute, like Jared Padalecki.

To put this in terms the kids will understand:  This movie totally blows.

[Netflix me | Buy me, if you are a sucker]

Genre: Horror
Cast:  Jared Padalecki and a bunch of other good-looking kids ripe for killin’

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10 Responses to “MOVIE: Friday the 13th (2009)”

  1. Trip Says:

    So would it be more interesting, and you watch it, if it was called Friday the 13th and Zombies?

  2. megwood Says:

    After all this time together, you really have to ask me that question?

  3. Liz Says:

    I DID laugh out loud, but not at the “character development” line; I agree with you on that one. It was the line about how once Jason found a hockey mask he ceased being of any interest to you at all. But…but… see my comment on the Alex O’Loughlin page about upholding reality in Star Trek movies. Doesn’t the same thing hold true here? I mean, how are we supposed to know it’s the “real” Jason, if he DOESN’T wear a hockey mask? 🙂

    BTW, OF COURSE it would have been a better movie if zombies had been in it! 🙂

  4. megwood Says:

    The “real” Jason WAS Baghead Jason — that was my point, yo! Hockey Mask Jason came later in the series. And when I was a kid seeing these movies for the first time, Baghead Jason was the one who gave me the creeps. Hockey Mask Jason just looked like a doofus.

    CLEARLY someone needs to watch the originals again, ELIZABETH.

    😉

  5. Liz Says:

    LOL and LMAO! I have been chastened! I don’t remember “Baghead Jason” at all! But I totally see your point. I didn’t realize he WAS the REAL one – that would totally creep me out, too! AND, I agree that the hockey mask was always pretty doofus-y looking. So, we’re actually in agreement here – all is right with the world! (Except that the Mariners kept beating the Red Sox!! 🙂 )

  6. megwood Says:

    Ms vs Red Sox games are great for me — I love both teams, so I can’t really lose! The Red Sox were my home team when I first started to love baseball, so they’ll always have a special place in the sports-compartment of my heart. But the M’s have been my team since 1992, so I obviously love to see them win as well. Great weekend, all things considered! 🙂

  7. alisaj29 Says:

    Who cares about the plot, and bad acting, HELLO Jarad Padalecki. And that sentiment also applies to My Bloody Valentine 3D, but w/Jansen Ackles.

    Oh, and RED SOX RULE!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. kingsandman Says:

    all of you people who think a hockey mask jason doesn’t work are stupid. jason wasn’t even brought into the movie’s until the 2nd one. the hockey mask came into play in the 3rd one; wich by the way sparked the whole serie’s of movie’s. the hockey mask is how you know it’s jason voorhees. really zombie’s are about as stupid as your comment’s….

  9. megwood Says:

    The third movie is the one that sparked the entire series of movies? Interesting theory.

    Baghead Jason is scarier to me than Hockey Mask Jason — that’s the only point about headwear I was trying to make. The movie sucked overall, and that’s completely independent of what Jason happened to be wearing on his pate at any given time.

    Thanks for calling us stupid, though. That’s always nice. Next time you do that on a blog, however, might I suggest reading up on the proper usage of apostrophes first? It’ll go a long way towards actually making us feel inferior to you, trust me.

  10. Corey Says:

    don’t hate me, but i thought this movie was a lot of fun. can’t wait to see it on dvd again next week.

    and wait, you’re both right! new Shimmer is a floor wax AND a dessert topping. thus,jason is scary as baghead jason AND as hockey mask jason.

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