Really? Joan ALLEN?!

When I first heard they were making a remake of Death Race 2000, coming to theaters soon as simply Death Race, my immediate response was this: “Mrrrrrraarrrrrghhhhhh!” Which, oddly enough, was the same way I reacted upon hearing they were doing a new Friday the 13th movie, which apparently is a remake of parts 2-4 in a single movie (good luck with that).

Are there NO original horror movie plots left in America? Am I going to have to start cranking out scripts MYSELF?

I was all set to boycott the new Death Race until I found out it was going to star Ian McShane and Joan Allen. And then my immediate response went from “Mrrrrrraarrrrrghhhhhh!” to “”Mrrrrrraarrrrrghhhhhh. . . wait, what??”

I’ll watch Ian McShane in anything, which is why I’ve seen Agent Cody Banks. And Joan Allen? JOAN ALLEN? SIGN ME UP.

The remake will also star Jason Statham, who I could’ve sworn I’d made a Boyfriend of the Week after I first saw him in the absolutely brilliant film Snatch. But I must have just imagined that, because he’s not in the archives. And since then, I’ve seen him in a few things where I liked him less. We’ll see how this one turns out for the guy.

Here’s the trailer:

Am I a horrible, HORRIBLE person if I say I think I might actually try to see this one in a theater? It’s not that I ENJOY watching people get run over with cars (except for bicyclists, of course — KIDDING!). It’s just that Death Race 2000 was one of the first horror movies I ever saw, and it thus holds a special place in my heart. Right on up there with Alien, Jaws, and this freaky Richard Thomas flick I saw on TV that was so scary my sister and I had to turn the sound off during some of the scenes to keep from peeing our pants.

And what if this remake turns out to be GOOD?  I mean, stranger things have happened.  Like, for example, Ian McShane showing up in Agent Cody Banks.  Seriously, if every other word coming out of McShane’s mouth ISN’T the word “c___sucker,” I just get disoriented.  It’ll be nice to see him back in a film where I’m sure he’ll get to swear a LOT.

Jared Padalecki is in the new Friday the 13th, by the way (along with a kid named “Travis Van Winkle” — for whom the jokes in grade school must’ve written themselves).  You know I’ll be seeing that one too.  EVEN THOUGH I DON’T WANT TO.

Because I am powerless against the forces of evil.  Amen.

12 Responses to “Really? Joan ALLEN?!”

  1. alisa Says:

    Can I just say that the prison is full of the hottest guys and women I have ever seen. No wonder why our crime rate is so high. LMAO

  2. alisa Says:

    Travis Van Winkle, hay is that Vanilla Ice’s kid???

  3. Verna Says:

    Remaking The 13th? AAAarrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh! NO! They are just horribly fine the way they make us giggle and laugh and point hilariously. Classic bad horror. (And yes, I have seen every one of them, even Jason X, God forgive me!)

  4. Alisaj29 Says:

    Jason X was the Future Out of Space one right?

    “do you wanna smoke some pot?
    Or have premarital sex?
    We love premarital sex”

  5. Trip Says:

    In addition to remaking Death Race 2000, there’re also remaking The Day The Earth Stood Still, starring of all people….KEANU REEVES.

    Klaatu Barada Nikto…indeed.

  6. megwood Says:

    Keanu Reeves?! Well, at least it’s also got John Cleese. It’s always good to balance the unintentionally funny with the authentically funny.

  7. Lorraine Says:

    I know it is highly acceptable to mock Keanu Reeves but I like the guy. Give him the right role and I enjoy watching him – Speed, The Matrix, The Lake House. For me, he has this sweetness that pulls me in. And if you ever have a chance to watch an interview with him and Sandra Bullock give it a try, the two of them are very funny together.

  8. Liz Says:

    Lorraine, did you ever see “Parenthood” (I think it was an ’80’s movie)? It had a ton of good people in it (Meg, take note, too!), and starred Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen as SOME of the parents. It was really about a whole family dynasty, headed by Jason Robards, and I found it delightful. Keanu Reeves – a rather young Keanu Reeves – was in it, and I think I liked his performance in that movie best. I also liked “Speed,” but (forgive me) didn’t like him in “The Matrix.”

    This proposed remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still” has me both worried and curious. Trip and I may have to do some crying and screaming …. and maybe laughing, too!

  9. megwood Says:

    I’ve seen “Parenthood” about 87,984 times — great movie! Keanu is great when he’s in action movies or movies in which he plays total space cadets. But when he tries to do “serious,” I just find it utterly hilarious. For more on my position on Keanu, you may want to read/reread the Boyfriend write-up on him:

  10. Lorraine Says:

    Meg – Apologies for overlooking that Keanu is your boyfriend;-) I think you captured him perfectly in your writeup. Yes, definitely any movie with Keanu and Sandra Bullock is a must see. I like the restaurant story because it shows he is not some obnoxious celebrity. It was sad when I read about his girlfriend because I know he had a personal tragedy there.

    I saw Parenthood eons ago and don’t really remember him from that. The movie that I would like to re-see is “My Own Private Idaho” with Keanu and River Phoenix (a great talent who died too young).

    Liz – I’m not sure what to expect from him in “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. The original is a classic and any remake has big shoes to fill. “Worried and curious”? Well, maybe more like “unsure and curious”.

  11. Dixie-Ann Says:

    Alisa, I thought the exact same thing about the trailer for Death Race when I saw it. Who ever knew inmates looked so good. LOL. Still I do not care for Jason Statham at all. Don’t care for his acting or his general look, though I’ll give him points for that build he has. No wonder Death Race features a typical “pull up” scene (saw it in trailer), they need a reason to show off that back of his.

  12. Ellen Says:

    Ugh, so you guys really want me to rant about how much I HATE remakes?! Yes Meg, it seems that there are NO original ideas left in Hollywood…None!

    But, as long as this one’s got Ian McShane , who played my fave character on HBO’s”Deadwood”, (also fondly known in our house as “the cocksucker-motherfucker show”), I may be tempted to add it to the Netflix list.

    Keanu…sigh!I just watched “Parenthood” again on cable the other day… He was actually quite good in that, even though it was a total rip off of his Bill & Ted character. “This isn’t a joke Bohdi…I am an FBI agent!”…Bahahaha!

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