MOVIE: One Missed Call (2007)

Okay, this is going to astonish and amaze you. And also, probably disgust and infuriate you as well. Because guess what! While I completely, utterly, 100% recognize that this movie is a VERY BAD MOVIE, I also confess I kind of enjoyed it! I know! What the heck is going on?! That makes two enjoyably-crappy movies in two weeks for me — some kinda record?

Yes, let me say it again: this is a VERY BAD MOVIE. It’s not only stupid to the extreme, but the plot makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. In fact, it doesn’t even TRY to make sense, which, to be honest, scored it a few points with me, because if you’re making a bad movie that makes no sense, you’re only going to irritate me if you try to force it to make sense, despite the fact it’s so, so obvious it makes no sense at all.  (Did that sentence make any sense??)  There’s really nothing more obnoxious than movies that think they make sense, but don’t.

Also, I’ll just get this out of the way right now — this movie is a total rip-off of The Ring. But you know what? (You’re going to be disgusted by this one too, heads up.)  I actually liked it BETTER than The Ring. Know why? Two reasons.

One: No Naomi Watts (no sir, I don’t like her.  I know everybody else thinks she’s amazing but I’m sorry, she bores the crap out of me.  Don’t take it personally.).

Two: Ed Burns, who is extremely cute.

Oh, wait!  Three reasons!  And Three: Did not attempt to make sense!  Bravo!

This movie, another in an lengthening line of American remakes of Japanese horror flicks, is about a college student, Beth (played by Moonlight‘s Shannyn Sossamon), who has recently lost several friends in bizarre accidents. When another friend turns up dead, Beth decides enough is enough and goes to the police. Answering her call is a detective, Jack Andrews (aforementioned adorable Ed Burns), but at first, he mostly just thinks she’s nuts. The more the two of them look into the deaths, however, the more commonalities they begin to uncover. For one, every victim was found with same hard candy in their mouth (see above re: “stupid to the extreme”). And for two, they all had cell phones and all had received creepy calls from THEMSELVES a few days before they died.

Of course, once Beth and Jack realize what’s going on — that getting the creepy call and answering it means you will die soon — they tuck their phones back in their pockets and begin working to figure out who the first victim was and what the trigger for all this mayhem might’ve been. 

Great plan, though I might’ve prefaced it with a quick call to Verizon to cancel my cell service first.  Or, say, a trip to the nearest bridge, where I would’ve simply heaved my phone into the drink.  I mean, call me crazy, but if I knew receiving a call could kill me, I would not continue to carry a phone in my pocket!

This is why they never cast ME in horror movies, incidentally.  TOO SMART.

Anyway, sure enough, it’s not long before Beth herself hears the dreaded ghostly Ring Tone O’ Death.  Now the Dynamic Duo must frantically battle the clock, eventually working their way back to a woman named Marie Layton, who they suspect was abusing her two daughters, Ellie and Laurel. Beth thinks Marie is the one making the deadly calls, but after tracking her, Ellie, and Laurel down (some of them dead, some not), she and Jack come across a piece of evidence that finally explains it all.

By which I actually mean it explains absolutely nothing. Awesome!

Anyway, long review short (too late!), there were so many problems with this movie’s storyline they’re not even worth pointing out. It’s a bad, bad movie. BAD, my peoples!  And also, for the record, while I like her a lot, Sossamon is WAY too old to play a 20 year old college student. It was ridiculous to cast her in this role — she’s thirty, and she LOOKS THIRTY. Get over it!

That said, I love hanging out with Ed Burns and Ray Wise (both of whom I’m planning on making Boyfriends of the Week soon, by the way), and I enjoyed the overall MOOD of this film. The way it looked, the pacing, the atmosphere. It just kinda worked for me. And really, it’s not like The Ring made any sense either, and all you weirdos seemed to LOVE that one (I still don’t get that, by the way — I thought that movie stunk to high heaven, especially after seeing the original, Ringu, which still had a stupid storyline but was at least effectively creepy. Honestly, what is the deal with the way we consistently ruin Asian horror movies in this country? It’s like we go, “Hey, that Japanese horror movie was SO SCARY! Let’s remove every single element that was actually spooky and remake it into something totally awful and boring for the U.S. market!”  Great idea!)

In any case, I’m not sure I can go so far as to recommend this movie — did I mention it was extremely stupid and bad and made no sense whatsoever? But at the same time, if you typically like the same movies I like, you might find this one watchable. At the very least, it’s probably worth Netflixing at some point. Let me know what you think if you see it!

[Netflix me | Buy me]

Genre: Horror
Cast: Shannyn Sossamon, Ed Burns, Ray Wise, Ana Claudia Talancon, Jason Beghe

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9 Responses to “MOVIE: One Missed Call (2007)”

  1. Alisa Says:

    The only thing I liked about the movie was the ringtone. And if I could I would get it for my phone. 🙂

  2. megwood Says:

    There’s info on how to get the ringtone off the film’s Facebook page: http://hs.facebook.com/onemissedcall. All you have to do is text the word “DIE” to 94444, and apparently it’ll send the ringtone back to you.

    Dude, now I totally have an idea for the sequel, though — “One Missed Call 2.0.” The ghost of a dead fan of the original Japanese movie is stuck between this life and the next because he cannot let go of his hatred for the way Americans keep totally screwing up scary Asian films. To get his revenge on those of us who keep paying to see these things, he sets up a social networking page on Facebook (hence the “2.0,” you see? Clever, ain’t I?) and tells people that if they text the word DIE to him, he’ll send them the ringtone from the movie.

    Only, of course, in addition to sending the ringtone as promised, he also KILLS THEM.

    Yet another in a long line of reasons why I am smug about the fact I don’t have a cell phone. Word!

  3. Trip Says:

    OK, Meg. That’s it.

    Your next movie MUST contain at least one of the following:

    * A muscle-car chase
    * A fellow cop who’s actually the turncoat
    * ZZ Top anywhere in the soundtrack

    or at the very least,

    * A slo-mo diving sideways guns-in-each-hand shootout.

    All these awful horror movies just can’t be good for the soul. It just can’t.

  4. megwood Says:

    Okay, “From Dusk Till Dawn” it is, then!

    Oh wait, you didn’t mean the movie had to have ZZ Top in the soundtrack but NO vampires, right? Because then I think I’m only left with “Top Gun,” and I’m pretty sure Tom Cruise is even worse for my soul than the most wretched of the bad horror pictures I’ve seen lately. “The Mist,” I’m thinking of you here, you bastard.

  5. Liz Says:

    I know I saw “One Missed Call” a week or so ago, and I CAN’T REMEMBER IT! I even reviewed my Netflix queue to make sure, and it was there! But it must have been SO BAD that I’ve banished it from my memory! At least I remember how disappointing “30 Days of Night” was, and how disjointed “The Mist” was (though I still liked it better than the book). But THIS one…..

    BTW, you were so right about “I Am Legend.” Naive little me, I thought, really, it wouldn’t be that bad. It started out promisingly, but those CGI “creatures!” They were SO stupid looking! Poor Will Smith! He did everything he could (and I think he’s a pretty good actor), but NOTHING could save this film!

    And the dog! I KNEW what was going to happen, and I HATED it! They tried to handle it tastefully, with pathos, but THEY FAILED! My cousin, who also loves movies, wrote me that the friend she was with when she saw this had to leave halfway through the movie because she was so scared. I say, WHAT THE HECK COULD SHE HAVE BEEN SCARED BY?

    Er – ahem – sorry! I’ll stop ranting and raving now! 🙂

  6. megwood Says:

    It’s hilarious you say that, Liz, because I too watched a bad horror movie last week that I cannot for the LIFE of me remember a single detail from. Mine was “P2,” and it had something to do with a chick trapped by a sociopath in a parking garage. Twenty minutes after I turned it off, poof! Totally gone from my brain!

    Consider yourselves lucky!! You’ve been spared having to read anything about that one! (Fifty bucks says Alisa posts next to say she LOVED “P2,” because she and I are always opposites on EVERYTHING!)

    As for “I Am Legend” — dude, I TRIED to warn you!!

  7. Alisa Says:

    I didn’t even bother to watch P2 because the commercial gave everything away.

    Girl goes out w/guy, breaks up w/guy, guy becomes stalker, guy terrorizes girl and tries to kill her in a “empty” garage, girls miraculasly gets away and kills guy at the last second.

    And let me guess the guy was K. Sutherland. LOL (Sorry, inside Joke) 🙂

  8. Liz Says:

    I went on IMDb to look up “P2,” and found: 1) it was written by the guy who wrote “High Tension” (which would have been good, if it hadn’t been so plagiarized from Dean Koontz), and 2) people seemed to like it! Go figure!

    I also went on line to find the web site for the oldies radio show I listen to, because I heard one of the DJ’s say that Kurt Russell was in “Iron Man,” and he wasn’t – it was Jeff Bridges. I e-mailed the DJ with the correction … and he e-mailed me right back, thanking me! (I SO have a problem!)

  9. megwood Says:

    P2 was written by the High Tension guy? Man, that surprises me because I’d really enjoyed High Tension (I don’t read Koontz, so didn’t pick up on the rip-off aspect). Huh. Go figure, indeed!

    Nice work on the DJ thing! 🙂

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