MOVIE: Meek’s Cutoff (2011)

Set in 1845, this visually stunning film is about three young couples who have hired a mountain man named Stephen Meek to guide them over the Cascades west into Oregon (Meek is played by a completely unrecognizable Bruce Greenwood, by the way — I didn’t even know it was him until the final credits rolled. THAT IS A BEARD, FOLKS, THAT RIGHT THERE. WOW, YES, SOME BEARD YOU HAVE THERE, SIR).

As the movie opens, the group has been on the move weeks longer than Meek had originally estimated, and are on the verge of running out of both food and water.  Tensions are high and only get higher when the group begins to suspect Meek’s “short-cut” off the trail has resulted in their becoming hopelessly lost in the dry plains.  When they spot a lone Native American on a horse, Meek and the unofficial (by way of being the calmest, it seems) leader of the group, Soloman Tetherow, take off after him, bringing him back to the group in the hopes he can lead them to water.

This goes about as well as you might suspect.  Half the group is terrified of him, the other half wants to hang Meek for getting them lost in the first place, and Meek himself wants to shoot the Indian before he signals his tribe and a massacre ensues.  (Or, more likely, before everybody realizes they are, in fact, better off with the Indian as their guide and go ahead and hang Meek after all.)

Only the Tetherows (Will Patton and the truly amazing Michelle Williams) seem able to keep their heads, even after a terrible accident destroys the rest of their water and most of their belongings to boot.

If that doesn’t sound like much of  story for a full-length film, that’s because the story here isn’t really the point.  It’s not a movie about “plot.”  This stark, gorgeous film instead aims to transport us into the world of wagon trains in the Old West.  What were they really like?  We’ve seen them here and there in other films, read about them in books, but never have I found myself so wholly engaged in the awful, long, plodding, hot, exhausting hardness of what they truly must have been like.  This film is so unflinchingly realistic there are entire scenes in which no one speaks at all (and why would they?  what is there to say?), and the insane brightness of the daytime sunshine contrasted with the pitch black of the night scenes conveyed like nothing else I’ve seen the sensation of really being out there in the middle of nowhere with nothing but what fit into your tiny wagon and the dream of something better somewhere over there in the distance.

Everyone looks just about worn through by the time we enter the story, tempers flare and fade, the youngest wife is losing her shit, and through it all, Meek is desperately trying to maintain an air of leadership and experience long since transferred by most of the rest of the group to the half-naked, completely alien (to them) Native American, despite the fact they can’t communicate and, for all they know, he’s leading them straight to their deaths.

The film ends as abruptly as it began — we drop into their journey and then we drop back out.  But in between, we get a powerful experience as viewers, transported right to the hot, dry west with them, their fears ours, and their dreams ours too.

Highly, HIGHLY recommended (and my god, is there ANYTHING Michelle Williams can’t do?).  Absolutely breathtaking visually — the colors of this film are so incredible I wish I’d seen it on the big screen or at least in HD — and extremely moving in its simplicity as well.  Brilliant.

[Netflix it | Buy it]

Genre: Drama
Cast: Michelle Williams, Bruce Greenwood, Paul Dano, Shirley Henderson, Neal Huff, Zoe Kazan, Tommy Nelson, Will Patton, Rod Rondeaux

BOOK: Flash and Bones by Kathy Reichs (2011)

As much as I used to love Kathy Reichs’s series about forensic anthropologist Temperance Brennan (the mystery series that inspired (loosely) the Fox series Bones), I think it’s time to declare me and it officially through.  I’ve been pretty disappointed in the last four or five installments, and her overuse of cliffhangers is something I’m finding increasingly insufferable and amateurish.  If you have to end every single chapter with a cliffhanger in order to manipulate your readers into turning pages, then you aren’t writing a good book.  And Ms. Reichs?  You aren’t writing good books anymore.

Writing aside, the plots, too, have been getting less intriguing (they used to feature a lot more science and now it’s almost as if Reichs thinks her fans are just lazy TV watchers, not real science or book lovers, and she feels she needs to dumb everything to appeal to the least common denominator or risk losing her audience), as have the relationships between the characters, which have become, for me, truly stale.

Of course, it didn’t help that the frame for the story in this installment was  NASCAR racing, quite possibly my least favorite subject.  It begins with Tempe being called in to try to determine the identity of a corpse found encased in a barrel of cement at the NASCAR race track in Charlotte — a dead body she soon discovers is connected to an old cold case involving a missing young couple with ties to a local militia group.  She quickly teams up with one of the detectives who had worked the original case — super-stereotype Det. Slidell (uncouth, arrogant ball-scratcher) — to try to figure out how the cases fit together and what happened to each of the three victims.

As with Robert B. Parker’s Spenser series, Reichs’s novels seem to be getting shorter and shorter.  But unlike Parker’s Spenser and gang, I’m starting to lose interest in the characters in the Brennan series.  The same thing happened to Patricia Cornwell’s series about medical examiner Kay Scarpetta — those novels started off rich in story and science, with complex characters and relationships, and gradually became sloppily written and uninspired in general.  I wonder if maybe the success of Bones has gone to Reichs’s or her publisher’s heads?  Is she being pressure to crank out more, and more simple, installments?  Or is it what I suspected happened to Cornwell — when an author becomes famous, do their editors stop caring about quality, knowing the books will sell no matter what?

Either way, the end result is me skimming paragraphs and rolling my eyes way too much.  Time to find another series about a smart science lady.  Anybody got any suggestions?

[MYSTERY]

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MOVIE: Dot the I (2003)

My husband isn’t a big movie watcher, so when he comes home with a DVD he’s rented, it’s kind of a big deal.  Getting to hang out with him on the couch and watch a flick is a rare treat, so I’m always game for anything he picks out.

By the time we got around to watching this British film, a few days after he rented it, he couldn’t remember anything about the plot description other than the fact someone quoted on the DVD box had compared it to Memento.  That plus the opening credits, featuring names like Gael García Bernal and James D’Arcy, though, and I was IN.

The first hour definitely had us puzzled, but not in a Memento sort of way.  It was more a “Memento?!” sort of way, as in: since when is Memento a somewhat cheesy, wholly predictable (albeit sweet) romance about a love triangle?  You see, the story initially appears to be about a feisty young Spanish woman, Carmen, who has just gotten engaged to her wealthy, if a bit dull, British boyfriend Barnaby (D’Arcy).  They’ve only been dating six months, but he’s clearly crazy for her.  And she?  Well, she’s done “passion” before and that guy ended up hurting her.  At least Barnaby is kind.  Close enough, she decides.

“Close enough,” that is, until she meets Brazilian sweetheart Kit Winter (Bernal, in his first English-speaking role) on her “hen night” (bachelorette party).   For Kit, it’s love at first sight, and he soon starts showing up at her workplace, asking her out for coffee, and then accidentally getting her fired (oops).  At first, Carmen resists, wanting to stay where she is — at peace with her decision to marry Barnaby and get on with her life.  But she can’t deny a powerful spark between herself and Kit, and her resistance ends up being futile (SHE IS BORG) (she is not really Borg).  The night she and Barnaby marry, they have a massive fight and Barnaby angrily tells her to leave.  Carmen runs to Kit for comfort, and, well, you and your imagination can take it from there.  (Hint: smooches.)

That scene, though, is when this movie suddenly flips onto its ear and becomes another beast entirely.  I ain’t sayin’ a word about what comes next, but while I still don’t quite see the Memento connection, I did find the multiple plot twists in the last act pretty crafty.  They’re wickedly mean-spirited too, but while psychological cruelty exhibited at the end of this film is something I usually have a hard time watching (I’m cool with chopping people’s heads off with chain saws, but shame and humiliation is excruciatingly painful for me to watch), the movie is clearly meant to be darkly comic, and the end turns the whole thing into more of a revenge fable than a movie about true human nastiness.  It was more deliciously evil than “my god, people SUCK” evil.  For me, anyway.

Though the beginning of this film is a little on the clunky, cutesy side, the sharp shifts in the last twenty minutes made the kissy-kissy stuff worth sitting through (though, in retrospect, I’d’ say the end was a bit on the overdone side — still, it was certainly fun in the moment).  Plus, I love Gael García Bernal, and I totally have a huge girl-crush on Natalia Verbeke’s delightfully dimpled grin now as well.  SHE. IS. ADORABLE.

Surprisingly entertaining and well worth a rental if you can track it down.  Trust me, you’ll never see the end coming.  No-ho-ho way.  (To see it coming, you’d have to be a viciously evil bastard yourself, and surely none of MY readers are viciously evil bastards.  Right?  RIGHT?!)

Recommended!  Watch it with someone you love.  Or something.

[Netflix it | Buy it]

Genre:  Thriller, Romance?
Cast:  Gael García Bernal, Natalia Verbeke, James D’Arcy, Tom Hardy, Charlie Cox, Yves Aubert

Fall TV Premieres, Sept. 26-Oct 2

I’m out of town at the moment, and crazy, crazy busy, so no TV update this week.  You can find out what’s coming at this web site:  http://cliqueclack.com/tv/2011/08/04/fall-2011-tv-season-series-premiere-schedule-calendar/

At the end of the week, after I’m home, I’ll catch up and let you know what I watched and liked, what I watched and hated, what I watched and found very silly (Terre Nova?), what I didn’t watch at all, and etc. etc. etc.

Until then, talk amongst yourselves!

 

MOVIE: Contagion (2011)

I love virus movies.  Always have.  I’m a bit of an armchair science nerd, see, and have long found viruses incredibly fascinating — the way they can so rapidly adapt or mutate to thrive in new sets of circumstances or hosts has always made them seem almost intelligent to me, even though we know they are not sentient beings (OR ARE THEY, MUA HA HA HA!).  Of course, the very thing that makes them so interesting is also what makes them so deadly; viruses are hard to kill and often impossible to predict.  As fast as we can come up with a way to fight them, they can shift behavior, making our cures useless against them.  And this, my friends, is what makes virus movies so goddamn thrilling.  It’s always about working against the clock — beat it before it beats you.

That said, virus movies are also pretty much the same when it comes to overall story trajectory — someone gets sick, they get others sick, the infection spread exponentially (usually illustrated by a PowerPoint slide featuring a map of the world and gasps from the crowd), someone finds a cure, the world is saved.  Occasionally, there are zombies (though, alas, not here).  But essentially: same same same.  What makes each film unique are the characters, their relationships, and the situations in which they find themselves.

While Contagion has all the usual suspects there too (for example, it seems we must always have one primary medical character come down with the virus him/herself, as well as at least one evil politician who makes the whole mess worse — I always refer to that character as “the mayor of Amity,” for reasons Jaws fans will understand), what I liked about this one is the way it is less the usual nasty-bug thriller and more a character study of sorts.  Instead of primarily focusing on the race for the cure, this film tells the closer-up stories of a wide variety of players.

For example, there’s the husband (Matt Damon) of Patient Zero (Gwyneth Paltrow, who really ought to cover her mouth when she coughs), who loses her and his stepson all in one day.  Then there’s the WHO worker (the insanely gorgeous Marion Cotillard) who is sent to Hong Kong to investigate the source of the infection only to find herself kidnapped by a group who wants to ransom her for first dibs on the vaccine.

The dangers of believing everything you read/hear online is a major theme as well: a conspiracy-theorist blogger (Jude Law) convinces thousands of followers he was cured by an herbal remedy called Forsythia and that the government’s vaccine is a hoax, resulting in a violent rush on drug stores for the herb, as well as a whole host of ignoramuses (ignorami?) refusing the vaccine once it’s made available (I wish this had gotten slightly more focus, in fact, because it’s so relevant to current events).  Plus, there’s a CDC doctor who violates protocol by calling his girlfriend and telling her to get out of Chicago before the city’s locked down in quarantine.  She immediately tells her BFF, and the next thing the CDC knows, the news is all over Facebook and Chicago is in a panic.

FACEBOOK!  *shakes fist*

In other words, as times change, so too do the ways in which we get ourselves into more and more trouble.  Oddly, though, I would’ve expected this focus on the more personal, every-man sorts of stories to make the film feel even more emotionally compelling.  It definitely makes the plot move much more slowly than, say, Outbreak, something I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about (though, dudes, this is a Soderbergh film, not a Spielberg one — what were you expecting?), but even slowed down and more intimately focused, it still didn’t make the story any more wrenching than usual to watch unfold.  That is, it’s never easy to look at bodies being thrown into mass graves, but with each sub-plot giving us a close-up view of one person’s struggle in time of strife, you’d think this would be a highly emotional film.  And yet, it isn’t.  This is a good movie, I would say — I enjoyed it while I was watching it.  But I never really connected with any of the characters, and after I left the theater and the buzz from the science high wore off, I realized I found this movie more interesting than engaging.  I liked the characters, but I didn’t really FEEL them.  Hard to say just why, though my theory is that it’s at least partly because there were simply too many of these storylines, making it impossible to connect deeply with any of them.  I think the film would’ve been more powerful had it tried to cover fewer bases, though I’d be hard pressed to tell you which character I would’ve cut out and which stories I would’ve beefed up.

All in all, I’d say this is a flick well worth the price of admission, but you should go into it ready to think, more than to grip the edge of your seat.  The virus certainly takes off with lightning speed, but the movie?  Eh, not so much.

[Prequeue at Netflix | View trailer]

Genre:  Science Fiction, Deadly Virus
Cast:  Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Marion Cotillard, Jude Law, Laurence Fishburne, Bryan Cranston, Jennifer Ehle

Fall TV Premieres, Sept 19-25

Week two of Fall TV premieres is a big one — below is the schedule, with notes about all the new shows and a few of the returning shows I had something to say about, plus the deets on what else is returning when.

Monday, Sept. 19

2 Broke Girls (CBS) – 9:30pm – As I’ve said before, I’m not really a big sit-com watcher, so I’m not planning on tuning into this one (I did really enjoy last week’s premiere of Up All Night, though — any show about new parents that features so much curse word bleeping in the pilot alone is A-OK in my book, yo).  But for those of you who do like such fare, this one is about two New York City waitresses in their 20s, Max (Kat Dennings), who was born broke, and Caroline (Beth Behrs), who was born rich but is currently broke.  Hence: title.  They become pals and decide their dream is to open a cupcake shop, but first they’ll have to figure out a way to raise copious amounts of start-up dough.  I haven’t the heart to tell them cupcake shops are SO five years ago and the new big thing is pie.  You tell them for me.  Poor dears. (New)

Castle (ABC) – 10pm – I have a confession to make here — I still have 18 episodes of Castle from last season stored on my DVR, and though initially I was letting them pile up in the hopes I’d get the flu and my consolation would be a week in bed with Nathan Fillion (woo!), it just never happened.  Curses, immune system!  The problem is, now there are too many episodes for me to get caught up on easily, and more are coming starting tonight.  I’m not sure quite what to do about this other than fold my hands and pray for pneumonia.  If there is a God, PLEASE SMITE ME.  Much obliged.  This show’s schtick has gotten a little bit old for me, but I still enjoy the episodes when I get down to watching them.  Hard to resist Nathan Fillion, after all, and that glorious, glorious nose. (Returning)

The Playboy Club (NBC) – 10pm – Sure, it stars Dimples, which ordinarily would be enough to get me to tune in (mrrowl!), but the thing is, I can’t think of a premise for a TV show that could possibly appeal to me less.  And Dimples, while cute, doesn’t inspire confidence it’s going to be terribly thoughty.  Thoughty is the only way a series about Playboy bunnies could work for me.  Without confidence of thoughtiness, I merely have confidence in it inspiring annoyance.  Best to avoid.  I’m plenty annoyed enough these days (hi, Congress!). (New)

Also returning:
Dancing with the Stars (ABC) – 8pm
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – 8pm
Two and a Half Men (CBS) – 9pm
Hawaii Five-O (CBS) – 10pm

Tuesday, Sept. 20

New Girl (Fox) – 9pm – This new sit-com stars Zooey Deschanel, sister of Emily (star of Bones) and an actress with whom I have kind of a love/hate relationship.  When she’s playing up the incongruity of her big ol’ cutesy doe eyes and super-snarky tongue, she can be fabulous.  But the previews of this show make it look like she might be going the way I hate instead — big ol’ cutesy doe eyes and acting like a dolt.  I have little patience for that character.  But I could be wrong.  Maybe this will be great.  She can be great sometimes.  Rare, but occasional.  You guys watch and let me know.   (New)

Body of Proof (ABC) – 10pm – This series, starring Dana Delaney, had a trial run last spring and obviously did well enough to get picked up for the fall.  Good sign!  I like it enough to want to tune in every week, but I’ll admit I’m frustrated that it’s so exactly like every other female ME series I’ve ever seen.  When you have Dana Delaney as your star, you can push some envelopes, people.  She’s good.  She can take it.  This is too much the usual and not enough China Beach. Here’s hoping the writers have gotten a little more confidence and try to bust out of the box a little this time around. (Returning)

Unforgettable (CBS) – 10pm – This new series follows a former NYC cop, Carrie Wells (played by Poppy Montgomery, one of my least favorite actresses OF ALL TIME, and not just because she’s named “Poppy,” although: that too), who suffers from a condition called hyperthymesia, a rare medical disorder that gives her the ability to remember everything, like it or not.  Though she’s gotten out of the cop business, she gets sucked back in when her boyfriend asks her to consult on a case — and there will also be a long-running subplot about her sister’s murder.  I’ve seen the preview for this series and my guess is it’ll be more forgettable than unforgettable.  Whatever.  I’m game for the pilot, but unless it totally blows me away, I won’t be setting the DVR to “series.” (New)

Also returning:
Glee (Fox) – 8pm
Raising Hope (Fox) – 9:30pm
NCIS and NCIS:LA (CBS) – 8, 9pm

Wednesday, Sept. 21

Modern Family (ABC) – 9pm – Oh my god, I love this show.  This is one of the few sit-coms I not only watch, but I watch IMMEDIATELY every single week.  LOVE!  LOVE!  LOVE!  It’s SO funny and SO sweet and it just doesn’t have a mean bone in its body.  This is probably the returning series I’m most looking forward to this week.  Cannot WAIT to hang out with the fam for another year.  YAY! YAY!  YAY! (Returning)

Revenge (ABC) – 10pm – This new series is supposedly an “adaptation” of Alexandre Dumas’s The Count of Monte Cristo.  It’s about a young woman named Emily Thorne (played by Emily VanCamp from Everwood) who arrives in the Hamptons looking like the usual rich brat there to soak up society, but who instead has a big fat secret — she’s actually there to seek revenge on the people she holds responsible for the death of her father and resultant destruction of her family.  I’m not planning on tuning in for this one — for one thing, I’m not a big Madeline Stowe fan — but if it gets picked up and the buzz is good, I might try to catch up on it later. (New)

Also returning:
Harry’s Law (NBC) – 9pm
CSI (CBS) – 9pm – Now with 100% more Ted Danson!
Law & Order: SVU (NBC) – 10pm
Criminal Minds (CBS) – 9pm

Thursday, Sept. 22

Charlie’s Angels (ABC) – 8pm – When I was in grade school, Charlie’s Angels was one of my favorite shows.  It was about a group of smart women who solved mysteries and had really, really pretty hair — what’s not to love for an 8 year-old?  But I have no interest whatsoever in this reboot, which looks like the hair is going to be the primary focus rather than the smarts.  The original is on DVD — why mess?

 

Whitney (NBC) – 9:30pm – Another sit-com.  This one’s about “modern love” (gak) starring a “happily unmarried couple” (ugh) with a bunch of buddies who think they ought to get hitched (yawn).  Blahbbidy blah blah blah.

 

Prime Suspect (NBC) – 9pm – I desperately want to pretend this show does not exist, but I’ve convinced myself I have to at least watch the pilot before I can officially hate it, so I will.  Have you seen the ads?  They took a classy, smart, emotionally complex woman (Helen Mirren in the original) and turned her into the usual sour, bitchy, gum-cracking, stupid-hat-wearing American female cop character.  The one who can’t keep a boyfriend because she’s just too smart and independent!  The one who abuses her male coworkers to prove she’s as tough as they are!  The one who, and I believe I mentioned this earlier, WEARS A STUPID HAT AND CHEWS GUM WITH HER MOUTH OPEN.  I kind of want to cry, America.  And you thought it was the government making us look like schmucks to the world. . . HELEN GODDAMN MIRREN, people.  This is one British series that should not have been touched by our scummy misogynist hands.

Person of Interest (CBS) – 9pm – Brace yourselves, it’s another J. J. Abrams series!  But, to be honest, I’m kind of looking forward to this one, though I’m also trying not to get my hopes up.  For one thing, it looks like this isn’t going to be a Lost-type thing, with a long, long story arc that fills up with too many clues and not enough explanation.  It looks like there may be an element of that, sure, but that each episode will also have a stand-alone plot.  More like Alias, perhaps.  And the premise sounds kind of fun too — it’s about a presumed-dead CIA agent (played by Jesus) who partners up with a rich dude (played by creepy Michael Emerson) to fight crime.  A little Human Target, but perhaps less playful, which could be good or could be miserably drab.  We can but wait and see.  It ought to at least have some cool gadgets and some decent special effects.  Fingers crossed this one is thoughtful, fun, and intriguing.  Oh, my hopes.  TOO UP!  Stop that!

Also returning:
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) – 9pm
Parks and Recreation (NBC) – 8:30pm
The Office (NBC) – 9pm
Big Bang Theory (CBS) – 8pm
The Mentalist (CBS) – 10pm

Friday, Sept. 23

A Gifted Man (CBS) – 8pm – CBS canceled the series Medium last year because, apparently, a show about a woman who could see dead people wasn’t getting them high enough ratings.  To replace it, they’ve developed. . . a show about a MAN who can see dead people.  Hmm.  Hokay.  This one stars Patrick Wilson (last seen in the great horror flick Insidious) as a selfish doctor whose wife (played by Jennifer Ehle, yay!) suddenly disappears, causing him to question his place in the world.  Should he stop being a jerk and try to be more like her?  Oh, probably.  I don’t quite understand what the point of this show is going to be — just a feel-good thing about a guy who decides to be nicer to people?  Or will the primary focus be on solving the mystery of his wife’s disappearance?  If the latter, I’m game.  If the former, I’m going to start rooting for Insidious 2 instead.  We’ll see.

Also returning:
Supernatural (CW) – 9pm
Fringe (Fox) – 9pm
CSI: NY (CBS) – 9pm
Blue Bloods (CBS) – 10pm

Sunday, Sept. 25

Pan Am (ABC) – 10pm – I have a feeling a fairly high percentage of people loathe flying on airplanes just as much as I do.  So whose bright idea was it to make a television show about flying on airplanes?   To me, this looks like a soap opera set a few miles above land, which sounds even more staggeringly boring than a cross-country flight.  My neck hurts just thinking about it.  Somebody get me a cocktail and some peanuts.  PASS!

Also returning:
Desperate Housewives (ABC) – 9pm – Final season
CSI: Miami (CBS) – 10pm
The Good Wife (CBS) – 9pm

That’s it for this week!  What are you exciting to try out?  What are you gakking on in theory?  What did you think of last week’s new stuff?  TELL ME EVERYTHING!

BOOK: Sixkill by Robert B. Parker (2011)

Well, I caved.  I had been planning to save the last Spenser novel (RIP, RBP) for as long as I could to avoid having to say goodbye to the old gang at last, but I didn’t manage to hold out very long.  I first started reading this series in high school and have spent the years since being over the moon every time a new installment came out. In fact, Parker was one of only two novelists I managed to nervously stammer out the names of when, during my first (only) radio interview about the Boyfriend of the Week site, the DJ dude asked me if I had any summer reading recommendations.  (The other writer was Tracy Chevalier, by the way; I erroneously described her as French.  Woo!  Nice work!)

Despite the fact the Spenser books kept getting shorter and shorter, with less and less satisfying endings (the last ten or so had endings that felt abrupt and rushed to me, as though Parker simply ran out of interest in his own stories), I never stopped loving the wonderful characters or the vividly drawn world in which they lived.  From Spenser to Susan, Hawk to Belson, and even the recurring bad guys in between, I truly felt like I had a relationship with the whole cast.  Their world became my world every time I cracked open a new cover, and it’s a world I will miss terribly.

This novel purports to be the last one Parker ever “finished,” but it didn’t seem to me he truly got it done.  There were a few things introduced that got dropped conspicuously by the end, for example, as though he’d been planning to get back to them and ran out of time.  Nevertheless, I still enjoyed it and I’m only sorry we’ll never get to learn more about the new character introduced in this one, a big, burly Native American bodyguard named Zebulon Sixkill.

The story opens with lawyer Rita Fiore begging Spenser to help her with her latest case, defending an obese, crass comedian/actor named Jumbo Nelson, accused of murdering a young woman he’d recently had sex with in his hotel room.  Jumbo swears he didn’t kill her, but the press is out for delicious, delicious celebrity blood.  Can Spenser find out the truth?

In his way, at least initially, is Jumbo’s bodyguard, the aforementioned Zebulon Sixkill.  But when Sixkill makes the mistake of losing a fist fight with Spenser, Jumbo fires him on the spot.  And Spenser?  Well, naturally, Spenser offers to make Sixkill his protegé, teaching him how to box so he’ll win the next fight he’s in.  (Spenser has always been a sucker for underdogs — one of the reasons I like him so much, I suppose.)  Through their training routine, the two men become buddies, Sixkill eventually saving Spenser’s butt more than once when the case takes a turn for the violent.

It’s not a great book — for one thing, I can’t even remember the ending, which is never a good sign, and for another, Sixkill ends up doing what most f Parker’s new characters always seem to end up doing:  talking just like Spenser.  I have long been annoyed by that — the way EVERYBODY in the series, especially in the later novels, is a super-intelligent razor-sharp wit (in real life, those gems are depressingly rare, I find).  But complaints aside, I’ve always been more than happy to overlook some flaws simply to have the excuse to spend more time with Spenser and his pals.  It’s been worth it.  Worth every single minute.

All in all, this isn’t the novel I wish Parker had gone out on; I wish it had been stronger.  But I’ll take it.  And if you were a fan of this series yourself, you probably ought to take it too.

Thanks for the stories, Mr. P.  You’ll be missed.

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MOVIE: Shark Night (2011)

Oh, man, this movie was FUN.  I had decided to go see it last week on a whim, after a super-stressful day on the job.    I’m a sucker for shark attack movies, for one thing, and I’m also a sucker for Donal Logue and the ever-widening Josh Leonard (I like big guts and I can not lie. . .).  The reviews had panned the hell out of it for being beyond stupid, and, well, that sounded absolutely perfect to me.  (Hi, Mom!  Wish you were here!)

The best part about this movie is the way it’s utterly packed with clichés and yet, is not at all trying to be a spoof.  It truly has them all, from the opening scene (topless blonde eaten by shark), to the meet-cute at the local gas station between the local Deliverance-style hicks and the visiting college snots (incidentally, that’s exactly how the delightful horror spoof Tucker & Dale vs. Evil opens — QED), to the fact (and my god, I still can’t believe they did this) the black guy gets it first.

THE BLACK GUY ACTUALLY GETS IT FIRST!  AND THEY WERE COMPLETELY SERIOUS ABOUT THAT!  It’s that good, you guys.  It is THAT GOOD.

Plot-wise, it follows the same trajectory these movies always follow, but it did throw in a bit of a curve ball I wasn’t expecting — without revealing it, I’ll just say it involves the reason why this tiny salt-water lake is teeming with 47 different species of shark.   And though it’s clearly about as unoriginal as you can get in every other regard, it’s also hilarious in its lameness, which, for me, is a  joyous thing (I mean, really, your friend gets his arm bitten off by a shark and your first move is to dive into the lake to find the limb?  The bloody limb that will be attracting MORE SHARKS?  Brilliant, ace.  And I also love it when the “pre-med” college kid knows a lot of practical medical skills. You know what pre-med actually is?  It’s chemistry.  Lots and lots of chemistry.)

Speaking of chemistry, there’s also a cute little love thing going on between two of the college kids, both of whom are really shy, and one of whom has a past that is about to come around and bite them all in the ass (litrilly).  I liked the way this romance part was subtle and sweet, and except for the part where: SHARKS!!, it was authentic and minor enough not to get in my way.  Often times in these sorts of movies, there ends up being WAY too many sex scenes and smooches (or, in the case of Piranha 3D, way too many underwater lesbian sex scenes and smooches), and man, I don’t come to movies titled Shark Night to watch people make out.  I come to watch them get eaten.  And, gloriously, many of them do here.  Sometimes more than once.  (They aren’t terrifically fast learners, those college kids.)

If you like dumb creature features, hie thee to the movie theater!  I think you’ll dig this one.  And just FYI, I didn’t see this in 3D and it’s unlikely it’ll be worth your extra bucks to see it that way either.  A few times, I could tell when they had framed a shot specifically for 3D, and they were all pretty clumsy and dumb.  I shouldn’t be able to tell, if you ask me, and I could tell.

So, pocket your extra $4, or whatever that costs these days, and use it to buy yourself a larger popcorn.  Well, I don’t know — shark movies just kinda make me hungry.  (“Man eating shark. . . AND LOVING IT.”).

(By the way, fans of smart horror spoofs should be sure to check out Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, because it’s fantastic.  Now available on VOD services like Amazon.com’s Instant Video, and well worth the $9.99 it’ll run ya to rent it pre-theatrical release, trust me.)

[Prequeue at Netflix | View trailer]

Genre:  Horror, SHARRRRK!
Cast: Good ol’ Donal Logue, Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack, Katharine McPhee, Alyssa Diaz,  Joshua Leonard

Fall TV Premieres Are Here! Sept. 12-18, 2011.

Hi, everyone!  It’s that time of year again!  The time of year where I tell you what new shows are starting up, which ones (old and new) I’m planning to watch and why, and how much I hate Law & Order: Special Victims Unit even though I KEEP WATCHING IT FOR GOD’S SAKE SOMEONE STOP ME.

Here’s what’s up this week (I’ll try to hit all the new shows, but as for returning series, will only be mentioning ones I watch or ones I want to make fun of — you’re on your own for the rest).  Feel free to hit the comments and tell me/us what you think about the new shows, what you think about the old shows, which new show you’re the most excited about, which new show you think won’t last past its second episode, and how you feel about “reduced-fat Oreos” (personally, I’m against ‘em).

Ready, set. . . DVR!

Tuesday, Sept. 13

Ringer (CW) –9pm.  Remember Buffy the Vampire Slayer?  Well, she’s back, only she’s not fighting vamps anymore (more’s the pity. . .).  In this new series, Buffy plays a woman named Bridget who, after witnessing a murder, flees to New York City to hide out at her estranged, wealthy, identical twin sister’s house.  When he sister dies suddenly in a boating accident, Buffy decides, well, if the bad guys are after Bridget, then why don’t I just become Siobhan? (p.s. Bridget and Siobhan? What kind of twin names are those??)  I have a feeling this isn’t going to work out as well as it always did in Sweet Valley High, friends.

I’m looking forward to this one, and not just because of Buffy (I’ve always liked Sarah Michelle Gellar), but also because ex-Boyfriend Ioan Gruffud is in it (I think he’s the rich twin’s husband).  Granted, Ioan can be pretty hit or miss, but overall, I think this show sounds like it could be an action-packed blast.  Fingers crossed for good writers.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up.

Parenthood (NBC) — 10pm — This show isn’t perfect — it’s gotten somewhat repetitive and is often a little on the fakey, plastic side — but I still really enjoy it, and the reason is the cast (namely Lauren Graham, Bonnie Bedelia, Craig T. Nelson, and ex-Boyfriend of the Week Dax Shepard).   I confess by the end of last season, I was getting a little bored, but I read this summer that Jason Ritter may be coming back, as the CRAZY-handsome English teacher madly in love with Lauren Graham’s character, and that would make the series well worth tuning back into for me.  Peter Krause’s character, on the other hand, is starting to annoy the bejesus out of me, and I’ve never liked Monica “Weird Eyes” Potter.  Luckily: Mae Whitman.

Wednesday, Sept. 14

Up All Night (NBC) — 10pm — I’m not  a big sit-com watcher, but I’m looking forward to Up All Night, the first of two new comedies on NBC Wednesday nights this fall.   This one stars Christina Applegate as a new mom trying to maintain her self-identity (cool career woman) in the face of every new mom cliché she’s ever heard and loathed.  Will Arnett (from Arrested Development, yay!) plays her husband, a stay-home dad trying to support his wife’s attempts to have it all.  The cast is so great it might just be grand.  But it could all too easily be insipid and unoriginal instead.  Fingers crossed it ain’t.

Free Agents (NBC) — 10:30pm — This comedy is based on a British series that starred Stephen Mangan (currently starring in Showtime’s terrific series Episodes, which I ADORE) and that means one thing and one thing only:  This show is going to suck.  (Name one Brit/US crossover comedy that hasn’t, I double-dog dare you.)  The one thing that sounds good about it is the cast.   Anthony Stewart Head was in the original and will be playing the same part, I gather, in this one (the office boss).  And I also really like Kathryn Hahn, who played the administrative assistant on Crossing Jordan.  Hank Azaria, the star of the series, is a bit more hit or miss for me.  But I’m game for episode one at least.  We’ll see.

Thursday, Sept. 15

The Secret Circle (CW) — 9pm — I don’t know anything about this series, other than the fact it’s based on a Young Adult novel series about witches and, naturally, is set in Washington state, where doom and gloom always look so pretty (just ask fans of Twilight).  The one semi-promising element of this series is that it’s executive produced by Kevin Williamson.  But that’s not promising enough to pique my interest, I’m afraid.  No plans to tune in for this one unless the buzz after several episodes is strong.  Anybody read the books, by the way?

Next week is the big week for returning shows, with a smattering of newbies tossed in for good measure, so check back here next Monday for the week’s schedule!  I’ll be posting these every week until the fall season has fully launched (mid-October), and I’d love to hear what you think of the shows as they start to roll out!  Hit it!

MOVIE: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II (2011)

Now that it’s finally over — all the books, all the movies, all the everythings — I just wanted to say one last time:

From the bottom of my deep story-loving heart, J.K. Rowling, I thank you.  Because that?  Was one HELL of a ride.

(For those of you who are afraid the last movie might be a disappointment, by the way:  it isn’t.  Good goddamn, it was grand. Fare thee well, Mr. Potter.  It was a pleasure getting to know you.)

[Prequeue at Netflix | View trailer]

Genre:  Drama, Fantasy
Cast: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Ralph Fiennes, Alan Rickman, Helena Bonham Carter, Tom Felton, Michael Gambon, John Hurt, Robbie Coltrane