Okay, confession time. I have now spent over $16 on this movie, and I’ve only seen it once, in my living room. How pathetic is that? (Note: rhetorical question.”
The first bunch of bucks were spent last May when I was staying overnight at a hotel by myself and wanted to get something off pay-per-view. I always do that in hotels and then I always do this: find myself completely unable to concentrate to the point where I can’t pay any attention whatsoever to the movie. The movie I just spent TWELVE DOLLARS ON.
It’s because I love staying in hotels and I don’t get to do it very often. So, I’ll settle in on the king-sized bed to watch my movie and things will go kind of like this: I hope this movie is good. . . Hey, Diane Lane looks TERRIBLE, has she been smoking? . . . Colin Hanks? We’re supposed to take him seriously? . . . Oh look! The mini-bar has M&Ms! . . . Oooh, wait, I wonder if they have ice cream in the room service menu . . . Except if I order something from room service, I probably shouldn’t plan to answer the door in my PJs . . . But I really LIKE these PJs . . . Whoa, I really need to iron that shirt for tomorrow, I wonder if there’s an ironing board in the closet? . . . SCORE! Ironing board! . . . Hey, this is funny, the closet has a note in it that says if I leave my shoes outside in this plastic bag, they will polish them for me. Who would be crazy enough to do that in a city hotel? Someone would STEAL MY SHOES! . . . I love these shoes . . . I wonder what kind of shampoo they have here . . .
Things only get worse from there. Eventually, I end up drinking all the vodka out of the minibar and wondering if it’s okay to smoke off the Juliet balcony. EVEN THOUGH I DON’T SMOKE.
I call it “hotel ADHD,” and I’ll continue to suffer from it even if we’re in a hotel for several days/nights. I always get so excited about the free HBO and the pay-per-view movie selection but I NEVER manage to watch anything. And this movie was no exception. I saw just enough of it to think it might not be utterly awful, though, so last weekend when I was in the mood for a mindless thriller, I paid another four bucks to rent it.
Now for the actual review part of this review (finally!). Despite the fact the logical part of my brain recognizes that this film is terrible, filled with ironies I don’t think were put there on purpose, I might add, the rest of my brain (the illogical part?) had a fairly decent time watching it. Was it worth sixteen bucks? Probably not. But I’m not sorry I shelled out the extra $4 to watch it all the way through the second time.
It’s about the night shift of a group of Feebies (FBI) in Portland, OR who focus on cyber crimes. The two main characters are Agent Jennifer Marsh (Diane Lane) and her partner, Agent Griffin Dowd (Colin “Appallingly Miscast as a Grown-Up Even Though He Looks 12″ Hanks). One night on the job, the two come across a new web site that looks hinky — killwithme.com. It’s got a live video feed focusing on a little kitten (awww!) and says along the top that the more people who log into the site to watch, the sooner the kitten will go to that Great Litter Box in the Sky, if you know what I mean. Our intrepid Feds are stunned when the kitten fairly quickly IS killed (note: we don’t see this happen). They try to shut the site down, but it keeps coming back up. [Insert nonsensical Geekspeak here.]
Of course, serial killers always start with kittens and then move right to people, so up next is a long string of gruesome murders captured on webcam and featuring such torturous deaths as being burned alive by sunlamps, sitting in a water bath into which acid is about to be added, and having the URL for the site carved into your torso, as a heparin drip slowly turns your chest into a leaky kitchen faucet.
Irony number one: We don’t see the kitten’s death (thanks) because, heavens to Mergatroid, that’s just too over-the-top cruel, even for this movie. However, we do get to see all the PEOPLE get killed. In graphic detail. Maybe they were just too afraid of PETA protests?
Irony number two: the point of this movie is supposed to be that the Internet’s anonymity has turned us all into a bunch of sick, twisted voyeurs (for the record: yawn), and that’s why a site like this should be so terrifying. Because people really WILL log in to watch others get killed and then post comments like, “Gr8! That was kewl!” And yet, just exactly who do they think is likely to rent this movie? Pixar fans? Is this yet another attempt to shame us horror fans, a la Funny Games? It might have worked — Funny Games (the original) sure made me introspective for a few minutes — except this movie just isn’t smart enough for me to think they actually did this on purpose.
Irony number three: I think we’re supposed to think the Cyber Crimes Federales are super-duper smart. Except that at one point they decide to try to stall the death of the next victim by going on the news and begging people NOT to visit “http colon forward slash forward slash killwithme dot com.” Yeah, right! I can honestly say that if I heard that on the news myself, the first thing I’d do is go log in to see what all the fuss was about. These are the CYBER experts? Was Michael Brown from FEMA looking for work or something?
Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Because, fact is, this isn’t really that terrible of a movie. I was successfully entertained (oh, the irony in that statement alone! Sorry. . .). Diane Lane does a great job of looking like a half-dead night-shift worker, and Colin Hanks does a great job of looking like Doogie Howser. As per usual.
Recommendation: Worth Netflixing, worth a rental, probably not worth the $16 I ended up paying for it. Lesson learned. Next time I do PPV in a hotel, I should make it a straight horror feature, which is far more likely to hold my attention in a room full of delicious distractions like liquor and M&Ms.
[Netflix me | Buy me
Genre: Thriller
Cast: Diane Lane, Colin Hanks, Billy Burke, Mary Beth Hurt, Joseph Cross
Tags: Thriller
July 11, 2008 at 2:23 pm |
No Comment, which Meg I think you know what that means. LOL
July 11, 2008 at 2:30 pm |
OKAY! I am now getting REALLY mad at my Mac (which my husband is TRYING to make me use). I just wrote a WHOLE LONG COMMENT, and it seems to have vanished! I will now try to recreate it, so hold on to your hats, guys!
Hmmm. “TV OCD,” “Hotel ADHD,” AND you’re a substance abuse librarian! Yep, I guess you’ve got it all covered! I LOVED your description of how your thoughts “stray” when you’re in a hotel room!
My thoughts run something like that MOST OF THE TIME! I’ll be talking to someone, and suddenly say, “Hey, what’s that on the ceiling?” or (my favorite), I’ll leave a “trail” of my belongings wherever I am, be it at rehearsal, at home, or at work. The only way I’ve been able to combat this habit is to designate a “home base,” and tell myself that I MUST leave all my stuff there! But I still have to battle this dumb behavior – after YEARS and YEARS!
I know I have ADD (but I think it’s on a lower level – is that possible?). But I don’t think I really have OCD; in fact, I consciously avoid any behaviors that seem to me to be compulsive – but that’s kind of compulsive, too, isn’t it?
As to the movie, I’m SO GLAD they don’t show the kitten! As I think I’ve said, I CAN’T STAND to see animals hurt in movies, and I worry if I see them at all. However, it doesn’t bother me nearly as much to see human beings killed (although torture/cruelty can be disturbing). I wonder what that says about me? I saw a trailer for this movie, and thought I might like it. I’m probably going to rent it from Netflix, and watch it with my hands ready to cover my eyes!
I told Meg about a movie I just saw, but I think I’ll recommend it to you all, too: “Vantage Point.” It has a ton of really good actors in it (Dennis Quaid, who can really give Harrison Ford a run for his money in the scowling department; Matthew Fox, who acquits himself very well; and one of my favorites: Forest Whitaker, playing a supporting role that’s a far cry from the role he played in “The Last King of Scotland!”) I thought it was done very well, and even though it’s one of those movies that keeps going back in time, I was able to follow it, and appreciate it. Oh yeah! It had Eduardo Noriega in it, too, who I learned about on this blog!
I’m going to try that “Flashpoint” show tonight – hey, anything from Canada is worth a try! I think I may also try “Psyche” and “The Cleaner.” I don’t know about “Burn Notice,” though – I like Bruce Campbell, but I’m not thrilled about – gasp – Jeffrey Donovan! Wait, that’s the one with Sharon Gless, isn’t it? Maybe I will try it! Anyway, I’m scared to try too many shows, because of all the Red Sox games we watch (Yay! we creamed Minnesota!), and Netflix movies I want to rent. And we’re only half-way thru the finale of “NCIS,” and only half-way thru “Andromeda Strain!” That’s how pokey we are!
Okay, I’ll stop now (aren’t you glad?).
July 11, 2008 at 3:18 pm |
Wait, Alisa! I both liked and disliked this movie, so I actually have no idea what you mean. Did you love it? Or hate every minute? Or did you think Colin Hanks was the suavest Fed in film history?
Liz, I confess I didn’t make it through “Andromeda Strain.” I still have part 2 on my DVR but haven’t been bored enough to want to try to slog through it! I’ll also be checking out “Flashpoint” tonight, though I did read a ho-hum review of it earlier this week. Oh well! We’ll see!!
July 11, 2008 at 9:31 pm |
I do have to confess that I read the blog quickly, so my inpression was that you didn’t like it. Oops, my bad.
I liked the whole movie, I the whole nerdy character of Colin I thought fit him perfectly. BUT I do agree w/you about making that stupid move and going to television and tell people not to log onto the website. Didn’t anybody on the set have teenagers??? (it’s the whole ood episode all over again. Sorry, inside joke.)
Hello, telling a teen NOT to do something will MAKE them do it.
July 11, 2008 at 10:07 pm |
Oh, and I forgot to add…….Meg, you stay at some nice hotels. I don’t even think the hotel that my husband and I spent our honeymoon at the Caribe Royale had a mini bar.
July 11, 2008 at 10:09 pm |
I got to stay there for free — we were hosting a conference in the building and got a few free room nights.
July 13, 2008 at 12:25 pm |
Finish watching “Andromeda Strain;” the second half is more interesting than the first. BTW, I’m mad at TV Guide for being surprised that Daniel Dae Kim (one of the leads in “A.S.”, and “Jin” on “Lost”) could speak fluent English! I knew him from “Angel” (he worked for Wolfram and Hart, before he was killed, and turned into a zombie!), and, anyway, he had to LEARN Korean for his part “Lost!”
July 13, 2008 at 12:26 pm |
Sorry – I still seem to be making those faces, when I don’t mean to!
July 14, 2008 at 12:28 pm |
for anyone interested, I saw Hellboy ll over the weekend and while a little slow in parts, overall the movie was good and Del Torro is a Creative GENUS. The movie was ABSOLUTLY GORGEOUS!! I did find myself during certain parts of the movie rooting for the bad guy. I deffanatly think it’s a “stand in line” type of movie.
And on the oppisate end of of the movie spectum I saw a movie on IFC called “The House of D”. It stars David Ducovney, Tea Leoni, Robin Williams, Ericka Bardo (who is a pretty good actress). David Ducovney is a married American artist living in Paris w/his attranged wife and son. His son is about to turn 13, which starts David to thinking about the months leading up to and a few months after his 13th b-day. He decides that it’s about time he tells his son and wife the truth about his past. The movie is really good. It’s funny, and touching and just a little sad. If you’re like me you may want to have some tissues nearby.
If anyone watches it let me know what you think.
July 15, 2008 at 12:11 am |
The ads for “Hellboy II” are hilarious! In one, the actor, Ron Perlman, in full costume and make-up, is holding a kitty cat, and telling people not to be prejudiced about people because of the color of their skin (bright red in his case!). Then he pets the cat and starts crooning, “Isn’t that right? Yes, yes”. In another, the guy from “The Actor’s Studio” is interviewing Hellboy, and when Hellboy pull out some sort of gigantic weapon, the interviewer guy looks into the camera and says, “Boo-yah!” If I didn’t already want to see the movie, those ads would make me want to (glad you liked it)! But I think I have to see “The Dark Knight” first!
July 15, 2008 at 2:36 am |
Very gripping and not too gory with a final twist in the plot, it is a good watch that will keep you guessing.
Overall rating on the Mathew Rate-O-Meter 3.25 out of 5 stars.
July 15, 2008 at 12:14 pm |
I haven’t seen the Actor’s Studio commercial, I love that show. I’ll have to do a search on it. Kool.